Helping your inner child

The next morning after my session I decided to check on my inner child in my meditation and see how she was doing.  The cage was still gone, but she had been left in an empty lonely place.  I pictured the perfect big climbing tree (I loved climbing trees as a child.) and then in the tree I build her a treehouse.  It had paints for her to paint the walls with, and a corner with fluffy pillows and blankets she could curl up in to rest or read a book.  I build a door in the roof so she could climb high in the tree when she wants, and gave her a telescope to look out around her and watch for any signs of danger.  But it wasn't complete.  Then I remembered a two story treehouse my husband told me about that he had as a kid.  So I built her a lower level on the ground too.  This one had a bookshelf with all her favorite books and a cumfy chair to read them in.  Then I realized she needed help feeling safe to be able to relax to read or paint and enjoy herself.  So I gave her a cat to sense when something is amiss and warn her and then she can climb up to see what is wrong with her telescope.  The cat can also be her friend and keep her company while I'm busy.  Now it is complete.  It is the kind of place I longed for as a child with four sibblings.  I never had a place I could consider my own where I could go to decompress when I was overstimulated.  Now she has the place I so badly needed when I was young.

What does your inner child need to feel safe and happy?  What did you always wish you had as a child?  What place did you wish to go?  Give it to your inner child now.  It's never too late for healing.

"Neither Borrower, nor Lender be..."

So I decided that for my own peace of mind and security I would stop letting me and my husband make excuses and finally learn how to live on a budget.  I talked to my sister knowing she would be supportive, and knowing she and her husband have always been on a budget and know how to do it.  I got encouragement, and Dave Ramsey advice and ultimately enrolled online in Financial Peace University.  So after watching the first three classes I sat down to make a budget.  We had saved our receipts for a month and I sat down looked at my pile of receipts and just started crying.  Then I wondered what was wrong with me.  I hadn't even really gotten started yet.

I reached out for help, certain, after an evening's reflection, that this was related to negative financial beliefs and emotions I had emphatically picked up from my parents as a child.  I got a call from a woman who mentors professionally, and would give me a free first session.  We started with some questions. What were my beliefs?  One was that no matter how hard we try we just can't get out of debt.  How did that make me feel?  Like I'm in bondage to our creditors.  What feelings did this bring up?  Powerlessness. ...  It's just not possible.  Word association...I forget what it was but I came up with a cage.  I pictured the cage.  Am I inside it?  No my inner child is inside the cage, I am an observer.  Ask her if you can help her get out.  She doesn't know.  She doesn't understand how she got here or how to get out or who can help her.  That's okay.  She's only a child, she doesn't understand.  Do you know how to free her?  I can't.  I don't know how.  You need a hero to help you.  You can choose whoever you want.  I choose Christ.  Christ comes down in a beam of light overpowering the darkness where me and my inner child have been.  He holds and comforts me.  He places a key in my hand and we unlock and then lift the cage together off my inner child and it dissolves into light.  She runs to Christ and He picks her up.  He tells her He loves her, she can trust me, I can keep her safe, and she has a mission to fulfill helping others.   He then talks to me handing her over to my care, reassuring me that I can trust myself and that the gifts He has blessed me with have a purpose.  Through trust in Him I can feel secure even while in the bondage of our debts.

Next there are the ties to my mother to deal with.  There is one of light between our hearts but there are a few of darkness to other places that cause fear of things that were her problems becoming my problems too.  I cut only the dark ones with scissors and hand them to Christ and he heals them and dissolves them into light.  What do I want to send to my mother?  Forgiveness, Love, Reassurance that severing the dark cords doesn't mean I'll sever the light ones, in fact the absence of dark ones tainting our relationship makes the light one even stronger.

I was full of peace when it was done.  I honestly believe we can get through our troubles and I can feel secure and have great relationships with God and my husband even as we are trying to get out of debt and build a better future for ourselves.  I began the session without hope for the future, but I ended full of not only hope but confidence in the future, myself, and Christ to overcome these challenges and fulfill the mission God has for me to impact the world around me for good.


Financial healing takes healing of the emotions behind the financial problems.  It is all inter-related and not one aspect can be ignored.  I love you.  May God bless you in your journey of healing too. 

Auras, Energy Fields, Their differences, Energy healing and what exactly it does

(A post I wrote back in January and some how thought I published when I hadn't)

So, here is what I have come to know, and how it influences my outlook on energy healing. First we consist of a body and a spirit. Both of these are in human form, and the spirit resides inside our body and makes us alive. The body has an energy field or electro-magnetic field closely surrounding it. A youtube video I watched about how to learn to see auras was really about how to see the energy field. The energy field also has meridians within the body that allow the energy to flow, and chakras that sort of pool and collect certain energies. These chakras should be regularly cleared of any negative emotions which have gotten stuck there. The chakras also sort of bridge and connect your body and spirit together.

The aura (for lack of a better word to call it to distinguish it from the energy field) is part of our spiritual side of our being and is much more complex than our energy field. It can move as we will it to. It connects us with the Holy Ghost, and it can protect us from evil spirits as we strengthen it. No person can access it without our permission. I heard of someone who had the spiritual gift of seeing auras, and she could not just see some energy surrounding their body, she also saw things they were interested in, their talents and hobbies sort of floating around them. An energy healer can use their own aura to assist their energy field in their work, but it is only to access the client's energy field.

Energy healing is to help people clear emotional energy that got stuck in a meridian or chakra or sometimes in other places in the body. These emotions can be resentments we don't want to let go or that we don't know how to let go, or bad paradigms we learned when we were young particularly about yourself. Many suffer from beliefs about themselves they just don't know how to overcome. That they are unlovable, or unimportant, or failures. These beliefs become self-fulfilling prophesies as situations they are in they will subconsciously sabotage, till it fits their paradigms and proves them right. Energy healing helps to locate and then allow the good energy to flow again.  

There are multiple modes of energy healing from things as simple as kissing boo-boos to modes as complex as accupuncture.  Some are more geared toward physical ailments, and some are more geared towards emotional ones.  Often physical ailments can have emotional causes, so the two will be interrelated.  A massage therapist who also talks you through releasing a stress so that they can get a stubborn knot out.   Or a counseling session that ends up through emotional healing inadvertantly healing some physical ailment that has been bothering you for years.

"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path."

I realize I've taken a fairly long break from writing here.  Sorry for my lengthy absence, life has been a little on the crazy side lately.

I've been thinking about starting a busniess, but wasn't sure what kind I want.  I'd been thinking about many different modes of natural healing, and with each one the investment of time and money to learn it never felt worth it to me. With each one something was holding me back.  In my heart I'm an artist.  I'm also extremely introverted, and many of these modes of healing were not true to all the gifts God has given me.  But when I thought about art it just doesn't seem to be true to my healing, empathic side.  Then I got the idea of carving and polishing crystals.  Now that's a job that can't just be done by a 3D printer!  And it's the perfect combination of healing and art.  I got some sandpaper, and started polishing a mostly flat side of a raw quartz I had, and I was just so full of joy!  That was when I knew THIS is my path.  It will likely take a year or two save the money to get all the supplies I will need, but I'm so grateful I didn't waste money investing in something that I would have eventually found to be the wrong fit for me and my family (just to start over again with something else).

The timing couldn't be better for me to find my life mission.  My youngest is now over a year old, and my husband graduates college in a couple months.  I can start learning about the business side and any skills I still lack in working with stone while I save the money needed to invest in supplies and raw stones.  Everything in my life feels like it has been working together to get me to this point.  I'll be able to photograph my work, having already studied photography.  I've already worked with carving stone.  My husband has experience selling things online...though it was Ebay and not Etsy which is what I think I will use.  The only thing I lack is the business experience which would be the case no matter what kind of business I would have chosen.  And it's something I can easily do here and there between meeting the needs of my family.  A crystal I can set down to talk to my kids.  A client would think me unprofessional if my family's needs interupted a session.  Thank you, Lord, for directing my path to bring me to where I am today!

"Thy faith hath made thee whole..."

I had the most amazing day yesterday.  I had felt my progress stop some time ago, which is why I haven't written for a while.  There just wasn't anything worth writing about. I was stagnating and I hated it.  Well, I was finally able to afford an online class for empaths, and it's a three part class and I was so hungry for knowledge I listened to the whole first section yesterday.  After my kids went to bed I filled my time with prayer and meditation and some journal writing.  It was the most wonderful evening I've had for some time.  I had been in a state that I wanted so much to help others I was impatient with my own progress and as a result my progress stopped.  I just wanted to get my stuff over with so I could hurry up and help others already.  Now I'm willing to be more patient with myself and take all the time I need for my own healing and personal growth.  I am my only responsibility.  Other people are responsible for themselves.  I can only control myself and my own progress.  I can give advice, or tell people things that have helped me but they must then make their own choice to use it to improve themselves.

I talked to my mother who has been afraid to embrace positive qualities and light because my dad is rather negative, and she'd heard that as you embrace positive qualities negative people kind of just leave your life, and you become surrounded by other similarly positive people.  She feared her husband leaving if she decides to embrace positive feelings and thoughts.  I reminded her that love is the most positive energy of all and as long as there is love in her marriage he will choose to embrace light with her rather than leave so he can stay negative.  Our own well being shouldn't be put on hold because we fear losing someone we love who is not necessarily on the same path.  Our paths do not have to be identicle just to have a good marriage, but it helps if they are going in the same general direction.

My husband got home late after a very stressful day at work.  His shoulders were tight and in pain.  He had worked 4 hours on just one sale.  He made mistakes and had to redo things.  He had about everything go wrong that could except for having very patient customers through the process.  I gave him a massage and talked to him about first releasing his stress each time he exhaled.  Then we talked about everything about the experience that he could feel gratitude for.  The customers were patient.  He now knows everything about selling that particular product having done and redone it several times to get it right.  He had had the choice to go home earlier but chose to stay to learn closing procedures, and the other lady working had other customers to help while he handled this complicated sale, and had he gone home she would have been there alone to deal with all of it herself.  (In the end he didn't get to learn closing procedures because the sale took till well after close.)  He earned some good commission we could certainly use.  When I was ready to go to bed he said it was more than just the massage that helped him, and his back and sholders felt completely better and relaxed.  All the pain was gone and he took no medications for it.

In the end I'm full of gratitude that I finally understand my role in healing others, and it is really one of guiding and empowering them with the ability to choose to heal themselves.  Which reminds me of stories of Christ in which He always said it was their faith that made them whole.  I'm begining to understand.  I really don't do anything.  My mother chose whether or not to embrace what I told her as truth or whether she wanted to continue in fear.  My husband chose whether he wanted to embrace stress or gratitude for what happened at work.  Ultimately it was their choice to heal themselves, and mine to heal me.  May God bless you on your journey of healing too.

"Whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment..."

Learning to conquer my own emotions has been a challenge lately.  My four year old son loves to make piles of things.  And these messes have been a HUGE trigger for me.  Yesterday he emptied all the drawers of the dresser he shares with his brother and sister.  I was so mad it took a lot of energy just to control myself.  He had even taken out the drawers themselves.  Every time I entered the room I was filled with rage at how messy it was and what a huge job cleaning and reorganizing it would be.  I knew I had to overcome these feelings.  I couldn't be productive while I had so much anger, and I would damage my relationship with my son if I gave in to any of the temptations the anger was bringing into my heart.  I yelled and threw things.  I never harmed my son physically, but my outbursts scared him.  I knew I needed to calm down.

I put on some calming heart chakra meditation music, then I used a tapping algorithm for anger, and meditated to clear my chakras.  The next time I entered the bedroom I had no emotion at all and was able to calmly begin working on the problem at hand.  I still have more work to do on it today, but I focused the most on ridding our home of the anger I had felt and filling it with love again.  It has made an amazing difference.  I used to get very emotional about messes in my home.  This habit was damaging to my relationships with my children, and the time wasted being emotional made cleaning them up take much longer than it had to.

Now I think I have tools in place that if I get angry again I can do things right away to rid myself of the anger and be able to really focus on the task at hand.  This is all part of my process of learning my gifts, and healing myself and my home.  I hope to continue to learn how to follow God's command to not be angry, and to love even my enemies, which on certain days seems like my son.  May God bless you on your path toward loving everyone, even your enemies, as well.

"Verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual..."

Today my sister sent me a text asking me to pray for her. She had hurt her back.  She said she could not walk or sit up.  We'd talked about chakras before and after praying for her I sent her a text saying to clear her lower three chakras that are along her back.  After she texted back asking how to do that I decided to call her.  When I called to talk to her she said she had been very angry while doing something in her kitchen. There was a portal in her kitchen, and she twisted her back while reaching down to pick up a shoe of her kids had left on the floor.  As she picked it up she stepped in the portal, and strained her back.  The back pain started when she bent over.  She threw the shoe and then pushed it along the floor with her foot. Afterwards she thought stretching would help her back, so she did some pilates that made it worse.  She had been in so much pain she could not sleep, walk, or sit. Her husband had to take off work and she was lying in bed.

I talked to her about the event, what she had done since (she had gotten two preisthood blessings), and I talked to her about emotional and spiritual problems she was having.  She had closed the portals in her home, but there were more on her property she hadn't had enough energy to do.  She had cast out the associated spirits.  She wasn't angry at her child any more, but was angry at some people in her fellowship group because of problems within the group.  We talked a bit about the need for her to forgive and love them.  She pointed out that she could only control her side of the relationship.  I aknowledged this and emphaised the need for her to take control of her side.  I instructed her first in prayer asking God to help her let go of the anger, forgive, and then have Charity for these people in her life.  After the prayer I led her through a chakra healing meditation session, something I have never done before with anyone.  With each chakra I instructed her to release things I knew specific to her and her situation. When it was over she said she physically was in less pain. By the end of our session she was relaxed enough and the pain was lessened enough to sleep.  I wasn't sure I could actually help her.  I only hoped that I could.  When she told me how much better she felt I was so happy that I had been able to help her despite my huge lack of experience.

She found out later after seeing a chiropractor that she had a comptessed disk, and the associated pulled muscles, which he said is along the same level of pain as a broken rib.  She has gotten through this without going to the hospital or being on pain medication, by using the meditation I taught her.

May God bless you to find whatever healing you need.  If you don't have anyone you think you can ask for help feel free to contact me.

"In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, ye have done it unto me."

First I would like to make clear my reason for publishing this post.  It is not to gain glory or praise but rather it is to help give others the courage to reach out in love to their fellow man.  God has not led me into harms way, and I trust He will continue to do so.  The world has many needs and until we unitedly work together to help one another there will always be someone in need of a helping hand, a warm meal, a place to sleep, or a feeling of love.  I found one such today, and consider what I did for him to be a small simple thing, hardly worthy of notice, yet not many would do what I did today.

As I have been seeking to be closer to God, I have been praying for the opportunities to help my fellow man and use my gift of empathy and love to benefit others.  Today there was an ice storm, and my husband forgot to bring his ice scraper to work with him.  I offered, and brought it, found his car, and put it in for him so he'd be able to scrape his car off when he gets off work.  On the way out of the parking lot I passed a homeless man with a sign asking for food.  I felt like I needed to go back and help him.  I found a safe place to park and flashed my lights at him.  He came over and I offered to bring him to my home for dinner tonight since I was already planning on feeding company.  He accepted and got in.  He looked around at my four kids in the back of my van and asked if I was babysitting.

"Nope, they're all mine."

He went on to talk about the fact that he's doing what he's doing for survival.  I asked if he had a place to sleep tonight and said I could bring him there after dinner.  He had a daughter but didn't want to ask her for help.  He used to ridicule and judge the homeless.  I mentioned the scripture judge not that ye be not judged.  And we discussed it.  He told me he's a Christian and talked a lot about thinking people shouldn't judge him.  I talked about Christ teaching to care for the poor and the needy, and that that is why I decided to help him.  He asked what sort of gathering I'm having for dinner tonight, and I happened to be signed up to feed the missionaries.  He asked what church I belonged to and I told him, and then he asked hastily, "Is that the real time?"

"Yes, the clock is correct."

"I forgot I'm supposed to meet my sister."  And he gave me directions to drop him off at a church.  I think the prospect of dinner with missionaries scared him off, though it could be that he did in deed forget a meeting with his sister.  Either way I felt good that he could warm his hands and that he had a place to go.  I made it home with just enough time to cook dinner for the missionaries.

During dinner the sisters asked about my day and I told then about my trip out and helping the man with a sign, and his decision to forgo dinner with me when he learned of the missionaries being part of it.  After dinner I had a discussion with the sisters about trying to be close to God and that His Spirit gives me the confidence to do things to help others in need.  I never would have done something like this 3-4 months ago.  But having a prayer in my heart as I go through the day I can have the confidence that if helping someone would jeopardize the safety of myself and my children God would warn me.  But perfect love casteth out all fear, and as I love God more, and my fellow man more, I no longer fear what man can do.  To quote the bishop in Les Miserables, "Have no fear of robbers or murderers.  They are external dangers, petty dangers.  We should fear ourselves.  Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murderers.  The great dangers are within us.  Why worry about what threatens our heads or our purses?  Let us think instead of what threatens our souls."  Let us seek love and charity and if we are on the Lords errand he will protect us, but if not we will know that so too were the prophets of old persecuted and killed.  The only real fear is for our souls.

"And the Lord was not in the earthquake, and after the earthquake a still small voice...."

After returning to bed from healing our home and then writing about it, my baby started to stir.  I was exhausted and really needed more sleep before facing a day with my children.  I closed my eyes and pictured my aura again but this time as a soft arm reaching out to comfort my baby, and encompass him in my love.  He soon quieted and went back to sleep.  I was able to sleep as well with the first peaceful happy sleep I'd had for a while.

This morning I read that there was an earthquake in Oklahoma, and the shocks reached up into Kansas where I live, though they were not strong enough here to really feel anything or I slept through it.  I realized that the spiritual "earthquake" (evil portals opening) happens first and is followed by the earth having a physical earthquake.

I was so excited and happy about healing our home I wanted to tell my husband all about it.  As I started to try to explain it he looked at me like I'm crazy, "That sounds like supernatural stuff."

"Well, God IS supernatural.  'Supernatural' is just our word for things science can't explain.  The scriptures are full supernatural events.  In Moroni we are told that if miracles ceased it is because of unbelief."  And I proceeded with my explanation of the events of the night.

"Why would you tell me all this?  I have to leave in 15 min."

"Because I'm so happy I solved the problem and healed our home.  All the problems from the past few days were caused by this."  And we wrapped up the conversation and he left for work.

The kids got up, and for the first time in a while I was motivated to clean my kitchen and living room.  My children were more calm than they had been for the past several days.  They were no more or less rambunctious than their usual selves.  My husband came home feeling sick, and I asked him if he had any questions before he went to lay down.  He didn't but he acknowledged that our home felt happier than it previously had.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful.  I was actually motivated to get my house work done, which hadn't happened the whole time our home was oppressed.  I called my sister and we talked about what happened.  She had a bunch of questions I answered (If you have any feel free to leave a comment).  She asked if I could do it remotely for her home, but I couldn't.  We talked about the spiritual being created before the physical, and how it makes sense that the spiritual portals or rifts would happen before the earthquake.  Then she wondered if the same were true before storms.  We ended up concluding that there are spiritual storms that precede the physical ones.  She has noticed for a long time that her children fight a lot more right before a storm comes, and her husband, a teacher says the same is true for the kids at school.  It was all so very interesting and enlightening to me.

I hope this is helpful and enlightening to you too. As this world continues to have more natural disasters let us not neglect our spiritual preparation that can save us from the spiritual storms.  I love you and God does too.

"We war not with flesh and blood..."

Over the past 3-4 days I've had several problems in my home.  My baby who had been getting up 1-2 times a night was getting up 4-5 times.  My children were making messes in my living room much much faster than normal.  They were making messes in my kitchen too.  They were constantly fighting.  My son would run away into the yard when it was time to get on the school bus.  My husband was having insomnia.  I spent 2 days weeping, I thought because I felt alone in my journey to come unto Christ.  I was retreating from my duties to hide in our office much more than usual (I'm a total introvert and need my quiet time, but this had become excessive).  Old emotional triggers I thought I had healed were back.  I was having trouble connecting to God, I thought because of these old wounds, or because I just didn't have enough faith.

I joined a Facebook group for empaths, and someone there talked about the earth shifting and spiritual portals opening that let mischievous or evil or good spirits into a place.  While nursing my baby the fourth time last night I became aware of such a portal in my bedroom right between the crib and my bed.  I closed my eyes and spread my aura out to the borders of our property and asked it if there were more portals.  Then I started with the yard, was there one there?  yes.  Is there one in the kitchen? yes.  Is there one in the living room? yes.  Is there one in my bedroom?  yes.  Is there one in the bathroom? no.  Is there one in the office? no.  Is there one in the kids' room? no.  I visualized each portal as a tiny tornado and prayed and pictured it retreating back up into the ceiling.  Then I pictured some means of sealing the spiritual wound, until I had done this to each portal, praying and asking the Lord to close and heal them.  Then in the name of Christ I commanded any remaining spirits to depart.

Immediately upon finishing this process I felt peace and love from God fill me.  The only reason I thought I wasn't healed from my emotional wounds from years ago was because these spirits were blocking me from connecting with God at night as I had been doing very readily each night since I decided to seek Him.  I thought my faith must not be strong enough.  I now know I have faith and it is strong.

Everything started to make sense.  The reason my neat tidy 6 year old daughter played with her yogurt the way my 2 year old does.  The reason my kids were wilder and messier than normal.  The reason my son would run off when it was time to get on the bus.  The reason I retreated to the office where there was no portal. I hope to see immediate changes in their behavior just as I had received immediate peace fill me.

I'm so glad the Lord guided me to that Facebook group where there was an answer to my problem I didn't know I had.  God does love me.  He is looking out for me and my family.  He answers our prayers in real and powerful ways, sometimes, maybe often, His answers are set in motion before we even know what to pray for.  Come unto Christ and be made whole.  He can heal you.  He can heal your family.  He can heal your home.  He is all powerful and no problem no matter how insurmountable it may seem to us is too great for Him who gave His life for us.  And praise and glory be to the Father who provided a Savior for us.  A Savior who is continually saving us, not just once when He performed the atonement, but also is saving us NOW.  As we come unto Him He will help us in our fight.  " For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:12).  The fight is real, and it can be scary, but when we know we aren't fighting alone, perfect love will cast out all fear.  Fear not but be believing!

I love you!  Be of good cheer.  May God bless you in your home too!

"First cast the beam out of thine own eye."

I'm a humble person with lofty goals.  I want to do more to help this world than just raising my children.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mother, but I feel driven to do more and be more.  I want so much to do something that actually makes a difference for good in this evil world.  I don't care if I'm ever known or if it makes me any money (in fact using a Spiritual gift to make money seems to me to be a form of preistcraft).  I want to please God, and use my gift somehow to bless others.

I'd been browsing websites about empaths, and looking over books, and their reviews on amazon, and most deal with how to "cope" with being an empath.  I don't want to just cope, or get by, or manage this gift.  God gave me this gift for a reason, and it wasn't just to learn to recognize that an emotion isn't mine and then give it back.  I called my big sister for advice.  She had promised to find me a good reliable book when we first discussed my gift, and I hadn't heard back weeks later. While on the phone with her, she found a website that talked about letting bad energies in, then healing them into good before sending them back again.  I loved this idea.  To actually heal others feelings became my new goal.  It felt good to know a goal and know there was someone using her empathy to make a difference like I want to.  It's possible.

Then staring me in the face were my own hurts I've held over the years.  I know the first person I have to learn to heal is myself.  Once I heal myself, my own family will be next and teaching my daughter who I think might be an empath how to heal instead of meltdown.  Then I will see what more God might have in store for me.

An Introduction

Being Raised Molly Mormon

I was raised a "Molly Mormon" very active in the LDS church.  My parents tried to do everything the Church taught.  Family home evening, family scripture study, family prayer, they were never consistent but they were often enough for us to learn the basic doctrines of the church.  I did my best to please my parents and my understanding of God.  As a family we put great effort into appearances.  We had cleaning frenzies right before someone would visit.  It was all about keeping the appearance of being the perfect Mormon family.  I tried to be "good" and eventually went to BYU, served a mission, returned to BYU, but much to my parents disappointment I married a less active member who wasn't worthy to go to the temple, but we went and were sealed 1 year and 2 months later.

Finding Real Enlightenment

 It all changed when my big sister told me she was researching the Second Comforter.  She thought I would be displeased with her new topic of research.  We are both homeschooling mothers and so we would often exchange insights into personal study topics.  At first I thought it was great.  It's something we should all be striving for.  Then she started talking about the leadership of the church doing things she didn't agree with.  This seemed to me to be a separate topic.  My parents freaked out.  My younger sister soon joined her on this path seeking a stronger relationship with God, and my parents freaked out even more.  I reassured them I would be fine.  And wrote a letter to my sister trying to persuade her to believe in the Church.

My letter was not received well.  Apparently the tone was not as loving as I had intended it to be.  After a conversation where she reassured me that she still believed in Christ and Joseph Smith, and that her family would not break up over this, I decided to trust her to make her own decisions for the salvation of herself and her family.

Later I prepared a lesson for Relief Society about pride, and I felt it very important to teach humility as well.  Ultimately the point of the lesson came down to whether we are seeking God's will in our life, or our own will.  Then I was asked to speak the Sunday before Conference about "come listen to a prophet".  I was distinctly impressed that I shouldn't give the typical pre-conference talk, and I began researching scriptures about prophets, following God's will, and how to tell a false prophet from a true prophet.  My talk ended with a warning that looking to the leaders of the church instead of looking to Christ is idolatry.  And the next thing I knew I was listening to some talks by Denver Snuffer and seeking to be rebaptised.

Discovery I'm an Empath


Again a conversation with my sister about her discovery that her husband is an empath, lead to my own discoveries about myself.  As we talked I thought it might be possible I was an empath too.  Many things about myself suddenly made sense.  Also things about my relationship with my brother-in-law.  Whenever I would visit if one of us was upset about something we both would be.

After the phone call I looked it up online, and took some online tests and the results were definite that I am an empath.  I called my mother-in-law who is also an empath to talk about it.  She read me a test over the phone and agreed that I am an empath.  She talked about seeking counseling to help me learn to manage all the emotions I get and up till now haven't understood.  Unfortunately money is too tight with my husband in school to even begin searching for the right kind of counseling.  So I decided to start this blog to process things and try to work it out myself through my writing.

Old Memories and Triggers

Depression is something I've struggled with most of my life.  I went to counseling for depression for 2 years, then off and on (mostly off) over about 7 years since.  I haven't gone as much as I'd like to because finance is a huge hold up.  But now that I know I am an empath I would need to find a very specific type of counselor to help me manage my empathic nature.  I don't want drugs to numb the feelings, I want to learn how to cope and what to do to use this gift to bless the lives of others.

Sometime during those first 2 years of counseling, my mother told me that she didn't feel like her kids loved her and decided to not love us back. Now I realize that me being an empath I recognized, and internalized her lack of love in a way and on a level none of my siblings did.  I fared the worst.  I felt my mother's depression, and unlove, and didn't know the depression wasn't my own.  I felt all her fears and often didn't feel safe in my own home because I didn't understand the fear I felt.  Her choice to not love us resulted in my belief that I'm unlovable.  Now that I know some of it was the result my empathy picking up on her lack of love I need healing in a different way than I knew I did before.  Now I've learned that my mother is also an empath, but she sees it as a problem and hates it.  She being an empath, we both seem to amplify eachother's emotions whenever we're together as we endlessly reflect them back and forth like two mirrors facing eachother.  This will be something I need to be aware of whenever she visits in the future.

So what does all this have to do with now?  Recently as I've been persuing a spiritual awakening I realized that a huge hold up is my belief that I'm unlovable.  I thought I was over it after my first couple years of counseling but it's back again anew, and I can't seem to believe that God loves me.  Sure in general He loves everyone, and I'm somewhere included in that, but as an individual I just can't seem to grasp it.  I've read the scriptures, I know it all in theory, but when it comes down to it the most I can seem to manage is to hope it's really true.  To hope the being I worship as God could really love me the unlovable girl.