Old Memories and Triggers

Depression is something I've struggled with most of my life.  I went to counseling for depression for 2 years, then off and on (mostly off) over about 7 years since.  I haven't gone as much as I'd like to because finance is a huge hold up.  But now that I know I am an empath I would need to find a very specific type of counselor to help me manage my empathic nature.  I don't want drugs to numb the feelings, I want to learn how to cope and what to do to use this gift to bless the lives of others.

Sometime during those first 2 years of counseling, my mother told me that she didn't feel like her kids loved her and decided to not love us back. Now I realize that me being an empath I recognized, and internalized her lack of love in a way and on a level none of my siblings did.  I fared the worst.  I felt my mother's depression, and unlove, and didn't know the depression wasn't my own.  I felt all her fears and often didn't feel safe in my own home because I didn't understand the fear I felt.  Her choice to not love us resulted in my belief that I'm unlovable.  Now that I know some of it was the result my empathy picking up on her lack of love I need healing in a different way than I knew I did before.  Now I've learned that my mother is also an empath, but she sees it as a problem and hates it.  She being an empath, we both seem to amplify eachother's emotions whenever we're together as we endlessly reflect them back and forth like two mirrors facing eachother.  This will be something I need to be aware of whenever she visits in the future.

So what does all this have to do with now?  Recently as I've been persuing a spiritual awakening I realized that a huge hold up is my belief that I'm unlovable.  I thought I was over it after my first couple years of counseling but it's back again anew, and I can't seem to believe that God loves me.  Sure in general He loves everyone, and I'm somewhere included in that, but as an individual I just can't seem to grasp it.  I've read the scriptures, I know it all in theory, but when it comes down to it the most I can seem to manage is to hope it's really true.  To hope the being I worship as God could really love me the unlovable girl.