"In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these, ye have done it unto me."

First I would like to make clear my reason for publishing this post.  It is not to gain glory or praise but rather it is to help give others the courage to reach out in love to their fellow man.  God has not led me into harms way, and I trust He will continue to do so.  The world has many needs and until we unitedly work together to help one another there will always be someone in need of a helping hand, a warm meal, a place to sleep, or a feeling of love.  I found one such today, and consider what I did for him to be a small simple thing, hardly worthy of notice, yet not many would do what I did today.

As I have been seeking to be closer to God, I have been praying for the opportunities to help my fellow man and use my gift of empathy and love to benefit others.  Today there was an ice storm, and my husband forgot to bring his ice scraper to work with him.  I offered, and brought it, found his car, and put it in for him so he'd be able to scrape his car off when he gets off work.  On the way out of the parking lot I passed a homeless man with a sign asking for food.  I felt like I needed to go back and help him.  I found a safe place to park and flashed my lights at him.  He came over and I offered to bring him to my home for dinner tonight since I was already planning on feeding company.  He accepted and got in.  He looked around at my four kids in the back of my van and asked if I was babysitting.

"Nope, they're all mine."

He went on to talk about the fact that he's doing what he's doing for survival.  I asked if he had a place to sleep tonight and said I could bring him there after dinner.  He had a daughter but didn't want to ask her for help.  He used to ridicule and judge the homeless.  I mentioned the scripture judge not that ye be not judged.  And we discussed it.  He told me he's a Christian and talked a lot about thinking people shouldn't judge him.  I talked about Christ teaching to care for the poor and the needy, and that that is why I decided to help him.  He asked what sort of gathering I'm having for dinner tonight, and I happened to be signed up to feed the missionaries.  He asked what church I belonged to and I told him, and then he asked hastily, "Is that the real time?"

"Yes, the clock is correct."

"I forgot I'm supposed to meet my sister."  And he gave me directions to drop him off at a church.  I think the prospect of dinner with missionaries scared him off, though it could be that he did in deed forget a meeting with his sister.  Either way I felt good that he could warm his hands and that he had a place to go.  I made it home with just enough time to cook dinner for the missionaries.

During dinner the sisters asked about my day and I told then about my trip out and helping the man with a sign, and his decision to forgo dinner with me when he learned of the missionaries being part of it.  After dinner I had a discussion with the sisters about trying to be close to God and that His Spirit gives me the confidence to do things to help others in need.  I never would have done something like this 3-4 months ago.  But having a prayer in my heart as I go through the day I can have the confidence that if helping someone would jeopardize the safety of myself and my children God would warn me.  But perfect love casteth out all fear, and as I love God more, and my fellow man more, I no longer fear what man can do.  To quote the bishop in Les Miserables, "Have no fear of robbers or murderers.  They are external dangers, petty dangers.  We should fear ourselves.  Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murderers.  The great dangers are within us.  Why worry about what threatens our heads or our purses?  Let us think instead of what threatens our souls."  Let us seek love and charity and if we are on the Lords errand he will protect us, but if not we will know that so too were the prophets of old persecuted and killed.  The only real fear is for our souls.

"And the Lord was not in the earthquake, and after the earthquake a still small voice...."

After returning to bed from healing our home and then writing about it, my baby started to stir.  I was exhausted and really needed more sleep before facing a day with my children.  I closed my eyes and pictured my aura again but this time as a soft arm reaching out to comfort my baby, and encompass him in my love.  He soon quieted and went back to sleep.  I was able to sleep as well with the first peaceful happy sleep I'd had for a while.

This morning I read that there was an earthquake in Oklahoma, and the shocks reached up into Kansas where I live, though they were not strong enough here to really feel anything or I slept through it.  I realized that the spiritual "earthquake" (evil portals opening) happens first and is followed by the earth having a physical earthquake.

I was so excited and happy about healing our home I wanted to tell my husband all about it.  As I started to try to explain it he looked at me like I'm crazy, "That sounds like supernatural stuff."

"Well, God IS supernatural.  'Supernatural' is just our word for things science can't explain.  The scriptures are full supernatural events.  In Moroni we are told that if miracles ceased it is because of unbelief."  And I proceeded with my explanation of the events of the night.

"Why would you tell me all this?  I have to leave in 15 min."

"Because I'm so happy I solved the problem and healed our home.  All the problems from the past few days were caused by this."  And we wrapped up the conversation and he left for work.

The kids got up, and for the first time in a while I was motivated to clean my kitchen and living room.  My children were more calm than they had been for the past several days.  They were no more or less rambunctious than their usual selves.  My husband came home feeling sick, and I asked him if he had any questions before he went to lay down.  He didn't but he acknowledged that our home felt happier than it previously had.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful.  I was actually motivated to get my house work done, which hadn't happened the whole time our home was oppressed.  I called my sister and we talked about what happened.  She had a bunch of questions I answered (If you have any feel free to leave a comment).  She asked if I could do it remotely for her home, but I couldn't.  We talked about the spiritual being created before the physical, and how it makes sense that the spiritual portals or rifts would happen before the earthquake.  Then she wondered if the same were true before storms.  We ended up concluding that there are spiritual storms that precede the physical ones.  She has noticed for a long time that her children fight a lot more right before a storm comes, and her husband, a teacher says the same is true for the kids at school.  It was all so very interesting and enlightening to me.

I hope this is helpful and enlightening to you too. As this world continues to have more natural disasters let us not neglect our spiritual preparation that can save us from the spiritual storms.  I love you and God does too.

"We war not with flesh and blood..."

Over the past 3-4 days I've had several problems in my home.  My baby who had been getting up 1-2 times a night was getting up 4-5 times.  My children were making messes in my living room much much faster than normal.  They were making messes in my kitchen too.  They were constantly fighting.  My son would run away into the yard when it was time to get on the school bus.  My husband was having insomnia.  I spent 2 days weeping, I thought because I felt alone in my journey to come unto Christ.  I was retreating from my duties to hide in our office much more than usual (I'm a total introvert and need my quiet time, but this had become excessive).  Old emotional triggers I thought I had healed were back.  I was having trouble connecting to God, I thought because of these old wounds, or because I just didn't have enough faith.

I joined a Facebook group for empaths, and someone there talked about the earth shifting and spiritual portals opening that let mischievous or evil or good spirits into a place.  While nursing my baby the fourth time last night I became aware of such a portal in my bedroom right between the crib and my bed.  I closed my eyes and spread my aura out to the borders of our property and asked it if there were more portals.  Then I started with the yard, was there one there?  yes.  Is there one in the kitchen? yes.  Is there one in the living room? yes.  Is there one in my bedroom?  yes.  Is there one in the bathroom? no.  Is there one in the office? no.  Is there one in the kids' room? no.  I visualized each portal as a tiny tornado and prayed and pictured it retreating back up into the ceiling.  Then I pictured some means of sealing the spiritual wound, until I had done this to each portal, praying and asking the Lord to close and heal them.  Then in the name of Christ I commanded any remaining spirits to depart.

Immediately upon finishing this process I felt peace and love from God fill me.  The only reason I thought I wasn't healed from my emotional wounds from years ago was because these spirits were blocking me from connecting with God at night as I had been doing very readily each night since I decided to seek Him.  I thought my faith must not be strong enough.  I now know I have faith and it is strong.

Everything started to make sense.  The reason my neat tidy 6 year old daughter played with her yogurt the way my 2 year old does.  The reason my kids were wilder and messier than normal.  The reason my son would run off when it was time to get on the bus.  The reason I retreated to the office where there was no portal. I hope to see immediate changes in their behavior just as I had received immediate peace fill me.

I'm so glad the Lord guided me to that Facebook group where there was an answer to my problem I didn't know I had.  God does love me.  He is looking out for me and my family.  He answers our prayers in real and powerful ways, sometimes, maybe often, His answers are set in motion before we even know what to pray for.  Come unto Christ and be made whole.  He can heal you.  He can heal your family.  He can heal your home.  He is all powerful and no problem no matter how insurmountable it may seem to us is too great for Him who gave His life for us.  And praise and glory be to the Father who provided a Savior for us.  A Savior who is continually saving us, not just once when He performed the atonement, but also is saving us NOW.  As we come unto Him He will help us in our fight.  " For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:12).  The fight is real, and it can be scary, but when we know we aren't fighting alone, perfect love will cast out all fear.  Fear not but be believing!

I love you!  Be of good cheer.  May God bless you in your home too!

"First cast the beam out of thine own eye."

I'm a humble person with lofty goals.  I want to do more to help this world than just raising my children.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love being a mother, but I feel driven to do more and be more.  I want so much to do something that actually makes a difference for good in this evil world.  I don't care if I'm ever known or if it makes me any money (in fact using a Spiritual gift to make money seems to me to be a form of preistcraft).  I want to please God, and use my gift somehow to bless others.

I'd been browsing websites about empaths, and looking over books, and their reviews on amazon, and most deal with how to "cope" with being an empath.  I don't want to just cope, or get by, or manage this gift.  God gave me this gift for a reason, and it wasn't just to learn to recognize that an emotion isn't mine and then give it back.  I called my big sister for advice.  She had promised to find me a good reliable book when we first discussed my gift, and I hadn't heard back weeks later. While on the phone with her, she found a website that talked about letting bad energies in, then healing them into good before sending them back again.  I loved this idea.  To actually heal others feelings became my new goal.  It felt good to know a goal and know there was someone using her empathy to make a difference like I want to.  It's possible.

Then staring me in the face were my own hurts I've held over the years.  I know the first person I have to learn to heal is myself.  Once I heal myself, my own family will be next and teaching my daughter who I think might be an empath how to heal instead of meltdown.  Then I will see what more God might have in store for me.

Come Listen to a Prophet (unabridged)

More than Just another Pre-Conference Talk

I was asked to talk on “Come listen to a Prophet.”  This seems to be a common topic about every 6 months sometime soon before General Conference.  So I know exactly what is expected of me, but the Lord spoke to me in my heart saying I should not give the talk which I know is expected, and I should give the talk He should give me.  He told me this is a time for me to prove that I fear God more than man.  Listening to the Voice of God is what we should really strive for.  Sometimes that voice is delivered through His prophets, sometimes through other unexpected people, and sometimes it comes directly to us.  God wants us to come unto Him and listen to His Voice.  He does not want us to discredit any source of truth nor to take something as truth just because of the credentials of the person who said it, but rather He wants us to confirm truth with the Holy Ghost.  “And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye shall know the truth of all things.”  I hope you will seek the Holy Ghost to know the truth of the words I speak here today.

To start out let us go back to the basics and establish what a prophet is.  From the Bible Dictionary, “The work of a Hebrew prophet was to act as God’s messenger and make known God’s will.  The message was usually prefaced with the words ‘Thus saith Jehovah.’”  This is important because it allows us to differentiate between the opinions of a man who might be called as a prophet, and the actual words that were revealed from the Voice of God to be taught to his people.  The scriptures are full of examples of this.  I think my favorite is Abinadi saying, “Behold thus saith the Lord, and thus hath He commanded me, saying, Go forth, and say unto this people, thus saith the Lord –” (Mosiah 11:20) and he proceeds to call the people of King Noah to repentance.  And then so as to leave no confusion he concludes, “and thus saith the Lord and thus hath he commanded me.”  These days we never here these words in conference by the men we sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators, yet we read it over and over in the scriptures and especially in the Doctrine and Covenants.  So to really get to the Word of God for our dispensation we need to go back to the scriptures we received through the Prophet Joseph Smith for the pure doctrines of Christ, as received straight from the Voice of God.  Come to the scriptures and listen to the prophets as recorded therein, for there we know we are receiving the word of God for us, and much of it is specifically for our dispensation written by prophets who saw our day.

What else qualifies a prophet?  A prophet is really anyone who speaks by the spirit of prophecy.  In Numbers 11:24-29 we read,
    “And Moses went out, and told the people the words of the Lord, and
     gathered the seventy men of the elders of the people, and set them round
     about the tabernacle.  And the Lord came down in a cloud, and spake
     unto him and took of the spirit that was upon him, and gave it unto the
     seventy elders: and it came to pass, that, when the spirit rested upon them,
     they prophesied, and did not cease. But there remained two of the men in
     the camp, the name of the one was Eldad, and the name of the other
     Medad: and the spirit rested upon them; and they were of them that
     were written, but went not out unto the tabernacle: and they prophesied
     in the camp.  And there ran a young man, and told Moses, and said,
     Elad and Medad do prophesy in the camp.  And Joshua the son of Nun,
     the servant of Moses, one of his young men, answered and said, My Lord
     Moses, forbid them.  And Moses said unto him, Enviest thou for my sake?
     Would God that all the Lord’s people were prophets, and that the Lord
     would put his spirit upon them!”

Moses did not envy the gift of prophesy given to men among the Israelites, rather he encouraged it.  From this we learn that there can be any number of prophets, and what qualifies them is that the Lord pours out His Spirit upon them and they have the gift or prophecy.  In Words of Mormon we see another example of there being multiple prophets, we read in verses 16-18,
    “And after there had been false prophets, and false preachers and
     teachers among the people, and all these having been punished
     according to their crimes; and after there having been much contention
     and many dissentions away unto the Lamanites, behold, it came to pass
     that king Benjamin, with the assistance of the holy prophets who were
     among his people—For behold, king Benjamin was a holy man, and he
     did reign over his people in righteousness; and there were many holy
     men in the land, and they did use much sharpness because of the
     stiffneckedness of the people – Wherefore, with the help of these, king
     Benjamin, by laboring with all the might of his body and the faculty of
     his whole soul, and also the prophets, did once more establish peace
     in the land.” 

King Benjamin as great a man as he was still needed the help of other prophets in the land.  And they worked together to teach the people.  They didn’t contend with each other for who should have the title of “THE Prophet.”  They cared only to teach the people and establish peace in the land. It did not divide the people rather it united them in Christ.  Today we each have our own callings and stewardships.  We should all seek for whichever gifts of the Spirit help us in fulfilling our callings within the church.  It is fully within your rights to seek the gift of prophesy to assist you in your lessons and sacrament meeting talks.  That we all might come listen to a prophet’s voice EVERY Sunday by attending our regular meetings would be awesome.

What do prophets teach and prophesy about?  This is answered in Jacob 7 while he is discussing with an anti-Christ, in verse 10 Jacob asks, “Believest thou the scriptures? And he answered, Yea.”  In verse 11 Jacob replies, “Then ye do not understand them; for they truly testify of Christ.  Behold, I say unto you that none of the prophets have written, nor prophesied, save they have spoken concerning this Christ.”  From this we learn that all prophets testify of Christ.  Nephi teaches this as well in 2 Nephi 25:26 “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophesies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”  From this we learn that preaching and prophesying is centered on Christ for the purpose that our children will know to what source they should look for a remission of their sins.  No other subject of prophesy will save us and our children.  Any man claiming to prophesy who does not plainly and readily teach and testify of Christ is a false prophet.  As we teach one another we must remember to make Christ the center of our teachings.  And as we seek to listen to a prophet’s voice let us be mindful that Christ is the center of the teachings we receive.

We are warned many times in the scriptures about these perilous times we live in today.  In 2 Nephi 28 he expounds on many downfalls he saw in our day.  In verse 14 he says, “They shall wear stiff necks and high heads; yea, and because of pride, and wickedness, and abominations, and whoredoms, they have all gone astray” (and I’d like to point out you can’t go astray unless you have the truth to begin with, so he’s talking about us here) continuing, “they have all gone astray save it be a few, who are the humble followers of Christ; nevertheless, they are led that in many instances they do err because they are taught by the precepts of men.”  We need to be continuously seeking to know God’s will for us personally. Then as a humble follower of Christ we need to be cautious that we are not lead astray by the precepts of men.  In verse 31 of that same chapter Nephi says, “Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost.”  If we do not take the things we hear in conference, or sacrament meeting, or our classes, or wherever, to the Lord to be confirmed by His Spirit we are putting our trust in the arm of flesh.  We need to seek not just for a prophet to listen to, but for the direct Voice of God to us.  Come listen to the Voice of God alone in a quiet place with the humility and willingness to follow what He says FOR YOU.

To truly be a humble follower of Christ you need to constantly seek the Spirit to help you discern between truth and error, between true prophets and apostles, and false prophets and apostles.  In 2 Corinthians 11:12-13 we read, “But what I do, that I will do, that I may cut off occasion from them which desire occasion; that wherein they glory, they may be found even as we.  For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.”  This was a problem in the New Testament church that led to the apostasy of the early Christian church. Today we seem to think we are exempt from such problems.  However God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and just as he could not take away the agency of those who sought to be false apostles in the past likewise today he cannot take the agency of those who would lead this church astray.  In Doctrine and Covenants 64:39-40 we are warned, “And Liars and hypocrites shall be proved by them [them being the inhabitants of Zion], and they who are not apostles and prophets shall be known.  And even the bishop, who is a judge, and his counselors, if they are not faithful in their stewardships shall be condemned, and others shall be planted in their stead.”  Every dispensation after God calls prophets there are three categories of people, first, those who listen and follow, second, those who seem to follow but seek to teach their own ideas as truth and mingle it with scripture, and third, those who ignore or persecute the prophet and his followers.  This second group who mingle the teachings of men with scripture is the root cause of apostasy.  These are the false apostles and false prophets.  It is NOT the persecution on the outside that leads to apostacy; it is those on the inside, who corrupt the doctrines of Christ and lead astray those who are seeking truth, and our dispensation today is not an exception.  This is why scriptures are always warning us against false prophets.  In Mathew 7:15-20, and 3 Nephi 14:15-20 we are taught,
    “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but
     inwardly they are ravening wolves.  Ye shall know them by their fruits. 
     Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?  Even so every
     good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth
     evil fruit.  A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit neither can a corrupt
     tree bring forth good fruit.  Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit
     is hewn down, and cast into the fire.  Wherefore, by their fruits ye
     shall know them.” 

What are the fruit we should look for to tell a false prophet from a true prophet of God?  Galatians 5 teaches,
    “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; adultery,
     fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred,
     variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envying, murders,
     drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before,
     as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall
     not inherit the kingdom of God.  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
     peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance:” 

Of everything we hear from one who claims to be a prophet we must prayerfully seek the Spirit to confirm whether it is truth.  And the fruit it produces will show us whether they are of God or of man. When you do come listen to a prophet, be sure to personally seek the Spirit and look to the fruit of his teachings to see if he is truly a prophet or if he is actually a false prophet.

When we listen to the teachings of any man we need to know how to discern the truth which comes from God, from the errors which come from the devil.   In Moroni 7 we are taught further how to discern truth from error.  In verses 11-13, 16 it reads:
    “For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither
     can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being
     a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he
     cannot be a servant of the devil.  Wherefore, all things which are good
     cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the
     devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against Him continually, and
     inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.  But
     behold, that which is of God inviteth  and enticeth to do good continually;
     wherefore every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love
     God, and to serve him, is inspired of God….For behold, the Spirit of Christ
     is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I
     show unto you the way to judge; for every thing  which inviteth to do
     good and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and
     gift of Christ; wherefore you may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.”

These are the tools given to us that we might not be deceived.  All the things we are taught by men should be put to this test.  Does it invite us to believe in Christ?  Does it invite us to do good and serve God?  Does the Spirit of Christ confirm it in our hearts and minds?  We live in uncertain times but there are things we can know of a certainty if we put it to this test. We can know what is and isn’t of God.  As we seek to listen to a prophet’s voice let us put everything to this test that we may know whether it is of God. 

Now after we have tested and confirmed and we know someone spoke as a prophet, we know their words are true and inspired by the Holy Ghost, because the Holy Ghost has confirmed it to us personally, we see the fruits that they are good, they inspire us to believe in Christ, and to serve God, what then?  In Doctrine and Covenants 68:4 we read, “And whatsoever they shall speak when moved upon by the Holy Ghost shall be scripture, shall be the will of the Lord, shall be the mind of the Lord, shall be the word of the Lord, shall be the Voice of the Lord, and the power of God unto salvation.”  So, we should regard it as scripture and study it with our scriptures.  Most of all we should use it as a springboard for our personal revelation to seek out God’s will for us personally.  Because just listening to a prophet’s voice will not save us.  We are only saved as we sacrifice to follow God’s Voice to us whatever source it comes from.  Let us not only come listen to a prophet, and confirm his teachings are true and from God, but then let us faithfully and humbly act on what we hear the Voice of the Lord speak to our hearts and minds that we should do.

 
And now the Lord hath commanded that I, Camilla, say unto you, this ward:  Behold, Thus saith the Lord, there are some among my church with whom I am displeased, for they set up the leaders and look unto them for salvation.  Behold, this is idolatry, for none can save but Christ.  See that this practice is not found among you.  Look unto Christ in every thought.  Doubt not, fear not.  The time soon cometh, saith the Lord, that my arm shall be revealed; see that ye are numbered among the humble followers of Christ, and not the prideful followers of men.  And thus hath the Voice of the Lord commanded me that I must say and I must obey. 

I bare you my witness that God lives.  That He speaks to His people who are the humble followers of Christ.  His sheep will hear His Voice whatever source it comes from.  Christ is the only name under heaven by which we can be saved.  Joseph Smith the prophet is the head of our dispensation.  The Book of Mormon is the word of God and scripture for our day.  God is the same yesterday, today, and forever; He never lies.  Therefore, any supposed new revelation if it contradicts established scripture is the work of a false prophet.  Let us all seek the gift of discernment to know for ourselves what is truth and then seek the humility to live it.  In the name of Jesus Christ, to whom I will be accountable for the words I have spoken here today, Amen.

An Introduction

Being Raised Molly Mormon

I was raised a "Molly Mormon" very active in the LDS church.  My parents tried to do everything the Church taught.  Family home evening, family scripture study, family prayer, they were never consistent but they were often enough for us to learn the basic doctrines of the church.  I did my best to please my parents and my understanding of God.  As a family we put great effort into appearances.  We had cleaning frenzies right before someone would visit.  It was all about keeping the appearance of being the perfect Mormon family.  I tried to be "good" and eventually went to BYU, served a mission, returned to BYU, but much to my parents disappointment I married a less active member who wasn't worthy to go to the temple, but we went and were sealed 1 year and 2 months later.

Finding Real Enlightenment

 It all changed when my big sister told me she was researching the Second Comforter.  She thought I would be displeased with her new topic of research.  We are both homeschooling mothers and so we would often exchange insights into personal study topics.  At first I thought it was great.  It's something we should all be striving for.  Then she started talking about the leadership of the church doing things she didn't agree with.  This seemed to me to be a separate topic.  My parents freaked out.  My younger sister soon joined her on this path seeking a stronger relationship with God, and my parents freaked out even more.  I reassured them I would be fine.  And wrote a letter to my sister trying to persuade her to believe in the Church.

My letter was not received well.  Apparently the tone was not as loving as I had intended it to be.  After a conversation where she reassured me that she still believed in Christ and Joseph Smith, and that her family would not break up over this, I decided to trust her to make her own decisions for the salvation of herself and her family.

Later I prepared a lesson for Relief Society about pride, and I felt it very important to teach humility as well.  Ultimately the point of the lesson came down to whether we are seeking God's will in our life, or our own will.  Then I was asked to speak the Sunday before Conference about "come listen to a prophet".  I was distinctly impressed that I shouldn't give the typical pre-conference talk, and I began researching scriptures about prophets, following God's will, and how to tell a false prophet from a true prophet.  My talk ended with a warning that looking to the leaders of the church instead of looking to Christ is idolatry.  And the next thing I knew I was listening to some talks by Denver Snuffer and seeking to be rebaptised.

Discovery I'm an Empath


Again a conversation with my sister about her discovery that her husband is an empath, lead to my own discoveries about myself.  As we talked I thought it might be possible I was an empath too.  Many things about myself suddenly made sense.  Also things about my relationship with my brother-in-law.  Whenever I would visit if one of us was upset about something we both would be.

After the phone call I looked it up online, and took some online tests and the results were definite that I am an empath.  I called my mother-in-law who is also an empath to talk about it.  She read me a test over the phone and agreed that I am an empath.  She talked about seeking counseling to help me learn to manage all the emotions I get and up till now haven't understood.  Unfortunately money is too tight with my husband in school to even begin searching for the right kind of counseling.  So I decided to start this blog to process things and try to work it out myself through my writing.

Old Memories and Triggers

Depression is something I've struggled with most of my life.  I went to counseling for depression for 2 years, then off and on (mostly off) over about 7 years since.  I haven't gone as much as I'd like to because finance is a huge hold up.  But now that I know I am an empath I would need to find a very specific type of counselor to help me manage my empathic nature.  I don't want drugs to numb the feelings, I want to learn how to cope and what to do to use this gift to bless the lives of others.

Sometime during those first 2 years of counseling, my mother told me that she didn't feel like her kids loved her and decided to not love us back. Now I realize that me being an empath I recognized, and internalized her lack of love in a way and on a level none of my siblings did.  I fared the worst.  I felt my mother's depression, and unlove, and didn't know the depression wasn't my own.  I felt all her fears and often didn't feel safe in my own home because I didn't understand the fear I felt.  Her choice to not love us resulted in my belief that I'm unlovable.  Now that I know some of it was the result my empathy picking up on her lack of love I need healing in a different way than I knew I did before.  Now I've learned that my mother is also an empath, but she sees it as a problem and hates it.  She being an empath, we both seem to amplify eachother's emotions whenever we're together as we endlessly reflect them back and forth like two mirrors facing eachother.  This will be something I need to be aware of whenever she visits in the future.

So what does all this have to do with now?  Recently as I've been persuing a spiritual awakening I realized that a huge hold up is my belief that I'm unlovable.  I thought I was over it after my first couple years of counseling but it's back again anew, and I can't seem to believe that God loves me.  Sure in general He loves everyone, and I'm somewhere included in that, but as an individual I just can't seem to grasp it.  I've read the scriptures, I know it all in theory, but when it comes down to it the most I can seem to manage is to hope it's really true.  To hope the being I worship as God could really love me the unlovable girl.