I'm seeking to become a better person, and in some places I've gone to help me with my goals, I find myself trying to turn the problem to other people. "Their obsession with heaven and hell and who goes to which is just to manipulate people" or "My husband isn't interested in Spiritual things" and the list likely goes on. I've just been thinking about why I keep turning outward instead of inward. I love these people, but apparently I'm still in a victim mindset. My problems are someone else's fault.
Well, I'm wrong. After reflecting on this all day, I had an "ah-ha" this evening. I was reading something about relationship freedom. A concept of loving without trying to fix each other (this part we've all heard) but it said we don't take responsibility for the other person's pains or failures OR their successes or joys. It occurred to me that most my life I'd heard things like "behind every good preisthood leader is [something about the wife who made it possible or got him there or some such]" and I realized that I've thought my husband's spiritual success was my responsibility! This is how I interpreted and internalized these kinds of statements. I thought my success as a wife is measured in my husband's accomplishments. How messed up is that?! I am not my husband. I cannot control him and so I can't take credit or blame for his choices and accomplishments. Much of this was thoroughly ingrained in the culture in which I grew up, that I'm apparently still trying to unlearn and leave behind.
I've let this belief hold me back for some time. The sooner I make peace with who my husband is whether that's Christian, agnostic, or athiest; the sooner we can work out a dynamic for our relationship that is reasonable and fair for where we are both at in our journeys. I'm responsible for no one's happiness but my own and no one else is responsible for my happiness but me. Mixed-faith is not the only thing that defines my marriage. My happiness is my own and my husband's happiness is his. My accomplishments are mine and his are his. Most of all, I've been just as much of a problem in our marriage as he has. And I'm the only half I need to fix.
If any of this was helpful in your journey as well, please leave a comment and let me know any "ah-ha's" you've had. God bless you in your journeys. Shalom.
