A Woman Without a Religion

About nine months ago I started wearing head coverings.  After a couple weeks of begging God for answers to a question He finally (instead of answering the question) instructed me to wear head coverings.  I did it every day for a few months, and I researched them (something I hadn't been doing about my question; I wanted the easy answer).  I grew to love them for multiple reasons.  I had a halo of frizzy regrowth after some postpartum hair loss that it conveniently hid, it kept my baby from pulling my hair, it kept my ears warm in the winter time, it kept the wind from blowing my hair in my face, and I felt pretty in them.  These were the practical and superficial reasons for it.  The biggest reason to wear it went much deeper.  I felt closer to God by obeying a direction that came personally to me, and my attention was drawn to Him more throughout the day as I had a physical reminder of something I was doing only for Him every day.

So now as I go about my days I've been asked a couple times by people I've met if I'm Muslim.  No, I'm not.  I've never read the Quran.  But how do I explain who I really am?  Mormons don't accept me as one of them because I don't believe in blindly following their modern prophet.  Christians, I've been afraid to admit to them that I still believe in the Book of Mormon, and I believe that bad things Joseph Smith is said to have done, are rumors spread by his enemies.  And for anyone who isn't Christian it brings to mind a variety of bad things Christians have done in the name of their religion that I don't agree with.  I feel no loyalty with the Remnant Movement started by Denver Snuffer.  I'm grateful for the stepping stone it was in my transition leaving the Mormon church, but don't quite agree with some things happening among their group either.  Messianic Jewish seems the best fit, but their services are at times difficult to attend.  And most people have no clue what that means, which is okay, I can explain it to some degree, but not very well since I haven't been attending with them very long and have much to learn myself.  So if they have any questions beyond my simple explanation I'm unable to answer them. Talking to my atheist/agnostic brother-in-law he said, "So you're agnostic. That's a start.  You can't go straight from Mormonism to atheist.  I was agnostic for years before I was atheist."  Almost as if I was on the way to atheism because I no longer believe in the men who lead a worldly cooperate institution.  So I explained that my relationship with God is stronger now than it ever was, and I still believe in a specific God so "agnostic" doesn't seem right either.  And talking with my husband, even he didn't understand my aversion to labels, saying, "We're just Christian."

Labels are a way of lumping people together and associating them with other similar people.  The problem is that most these labels end up misrepresenting parts of that group.  Some people lump together Muslims into one group, and even though the violent terrorists are the minority among them, all the rest are guilty by association.  Likewise with race labels.  People of one group label people of another group and consider the other group to be guilty of whatever the worst people among them have done.  Guilt by association.  This is the most divisive thing we as people do.  And we do it as much with religion as we do with race.  Dividing those who believe in one thing from those who believe in another.  Rather than loving each other regardless of what we each believe and building on common ground, and discussing with the purpose of understanding one another and realizing we both probably have truth to offer the other that we hadn't previously considered.  But instead we are often too caught up in trying to convince others of our ideas to stop and consider theirs.

Ultimately no label fits who I am.  My journey is more complex than that. When it comes down to it, nothing feels quite right except to say I am a lover of God, a lover of people, a humble follower of Christ, and a seeker of truth. 

Things We Couldn't Say... at the Mormon Church

My sister from western Colorado asked if she could write a guest post, and she being my sister, I agreed.  Enjoy.

A Guest Post By Diane Cummings

I was recently told, by someone who believes himself to be in a position to know, that quoting Scripture in church is not okay. Apparently, only people who are "apostate" quote scripture. Or, at least, "apostates are really good at making it sound as though scripture justifies their position." I find this to be a very curious concept. Why, I wonder, would scripture sound like it is backing an alternative position so easily? I think it does back an alternative point of view; not because of twisting the meaning, but because of believing what the scripture literally says.

Let’s look at some real-life examples and see where it leads us.

YW Leader: So if you were suffering from depression, what should you do?
Beehive: I would pray.
YW Leader: Well, you could pray, but you should talk to the Bishop about it, because he has the authority.

What do scriptures say about this?

2 Nephi 28:5 says: "And they deny the power of God, the Holy One of Israel; and they say unto the people: Hearken unto us, and hear ye our precept; for behold there is no God today, for the Lord and the Redeemer hath done his work, and he hath given his power unto men;"(emphasis mine).

This did have the desired effect, though, on the girls. Later, the same girl raised her hand to answer a question. When called upon, she only said, "Never mind." Ah, the sweet sound of a successfully stifled opinion.

How about this example?

Leader: How can you know if something is true?
Me: If it agrees with the word of God in the scriptures, it’s true. If it disagrees with those scriptures, then it isn’t true.
Leader: But you have to believe in modern revelation. If a modern prophet says something, it trumps the scriptures.
Me: No, it doesn’t. Scriptures win, every time.
Leader: Was Jesus a living prophet?
Me: Yes.
Leader (triumphant): And he trumped the scriptures!
Me: No, he didn’t. He lived the law perfectly.

There’s more to it than that, really. He kept the law of Moses. He fulfilled the law. He fulfilled the scriptures. He quoted the scriptures. He did not live, keep, or teach the traditions that had been allowed to replace the scriptures in importance. You see the difference? He kept the law as God told it to Moses, not the tradition taught by the Pharisees. He quoted the scriptures, not the leaders of the day. He did the work of his Father, not the work of his ecclesiastical leaders. We would be without a Savior if Jesus had put the will of men before the will of God; but he didn’t. He did the will of his Father. He fulfilled it all.

If, on the other hand, you say that anything a modern leader says can trump the scriptures, and you’re talking about some of the verses in 3 Nephi 11 where Jesus is teaching the people about baptism (which Leader did bring up), then what you’re really saying is that modern leaders can trump Jesus. Not okay. That is a real apostasy.

The following conversations are composite accounts of various real conversations, had recently between myself and said Leader.

Leader: In scripture Jesus says, when he was teaching the Nephites, "I declare unto you my doctrine." And a few verses later, he says, "And whoso shall declare more or less than this, and establish it for my doctrine, the same cometh of evil." So anything other than what the church teaches is apostasy.
Me: You skipped the verses that say what his doctrine actually is. In verses 30-35 of 3 Nephi 11, the passage you mentioned, we find out what the doctrine is: Do away with contention. Repent and believe in Jesus. Believe in him, and get baptized. We, as a church, have declared more than this and established it for doctrine. You have to repent, believe in him, pay your tithing, and not have gay parents. This is not what the scripture said.

In fact, the idea that you have to pay tithing to get baptized sounds a lot like Mormon 8:32, which says: "Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be churches built up that shall say: Come unto me, and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins." This is not a good thing, and the next verse continues the condemnation Moroni began back around verse 27. In verse 33 he goes on: "O ye wicked and perverse and stiffnecked people, why have ye built up churches to get gain? Why have ye transfigured the holy word of God, that ye might bring damnation upon your souls? Behold, look ye to the revelations of God; for behold, the time cometh at that day when all these things must be fulfilled."

Leader: Isaiah 24:5 says: "The earth also is defiled under the inhabitants thereof; because they have transgressed the laws, changed the ordinance, broken the everlasting covenant." So we have to be really careful when dealing with apostates.
Me: In that verse it says the earth is defiled because the people have changed the ordinance. The church has changed the ordinances. The church has changed the endowment many times.
Leader: What do you mean by "the church?" Who do you mean?
Me: I mean the leaders.

Let’s take a closer look at this verse. Who, today, has "authority" to change the ordinances? The leadership of the church. Can the common members change the ordinance? No, only the leaders. Have the common members changed the endowment? No, the leaders have; although some of those changes were based on opinion polling and focus groups, which is a whole different topic. Have the common members changed the initiatory? No, the leaders have. All changes to wording, procedure, recordings, etc. in any of these ordinances has been done by the leadership. This verse is a warning to the leaders, and a caution to the lay members in listening to or following the leaders rather than following God.

Me: You really haven’t been very clear. How do I know if something I would say is "apostate" or not?
Leader: You ask me. I’ll tell you if it’s apostate doctrine.

A scripture applicable here would be 2 Nephi 26:29 – "He commandeth that there shall be no priestcrafts; for, behold, priestcrafts are that men preach and set themselves up for a light unto the world, that they may get gain, and praise of the world; but they seek not the welfare of Zion."

It seems to me that telling people to ask you, rather than to ask God, is setting yourself up as a light. Why is Leader the great source of all knowledge? They aren’t pointing us to God anymore. They point to themselves saying, "We know what is and is not okay. Ask us."

These examples are some of the reasons I choose a literal interpretation of scripture, rather than a tradition-protecting interpretation. I think the scriptures–and God–mean what they say. I have found this view of the scriptures is "good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding; yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me." (Alma 32:28, at the end) I cannot turn my back on God, even if it leads me in unexpected directions. I love the Lord and want to put him first in my life. I choose to put my trust in him, not in any mortal man. (2 Nephi 4:34) This is my desire and testimony.


Diane Cummings
4 Nov. 2016

The Real Love of Christ and Dreaming Dreams

Wow!  I was talking to my sister about her idea to write a guest post and realized it had been a couple months since I've written.  School started, and we've been bombarded by problems that I won't bore you with, but despite all that I think it time I record the next chapter of my spiritual journey.

I joined a group on Facebook about divine dreams, and at first thought it would be just for fun, but the longer I was there the more I learned about my own gift for dreaming.  I learned the meaning of a significant dream from my childhood and threw myself into seeking learning from God about the direction he wants for my life.  Having found joy in service at a nondenominational church after a while it seemed I'd learned about what they had to offer.  Then I started having dreams that gave me the impression it was time for me to move on somewhere that would offer more and deeper knowledge.  I remembered a woman telling me about a Messianic Jewish Synagogue.  I started feeling the desire to learn more about the Jewish roots of Christianity, after all Christ was himself a Jew and taught Judaism, and while the sacrifice of Christ fulfilled the Law of Moses so there was no more need to sacrifice animals, Jesus being the last "sacrificial lamb", there are other aspects of the law that can and likely should be kept.  In my heart, I feel that learning more about these laws will inform me of more of the nature of God and His character.  I decided to seek out and attend one of these Messianic Jewish Synagogues.

After attending a Friday night service I notified the people I served with at the Christian church I had found.  The contrast between their reaction and the reaction I got from Mormons when I differed with them on some matters of doctrine was so stark it was truly astonishing to me.  The reaction of Mormons had been to gossip, shun, or argue or some combination thereof.  Here, they prayed for me and my family and our journey, told me they would miss me, hugged me, and reminded me I was always welcome.  They accepted and validated my spiritual journey agreeing I had to follow what God had placed in my heart and I felt nothing but love from them.  There was no judgment whatsoever.  I almost couldn't believe it!  Was this what it was like for normal Christians?  They just do what feels right in their own spiritual journey, and allow others to do the same, and just love each other with the love Christ preached?  What an idea!  It was such a refreshing experience I almost rethought my decision.  My kids had fun there, and I could do something more productive if the sermon wasn't a topic that would enrich me.  Last week I couldn't get myself to go because I knew the topic was relating to how to decide who to vote for, and I've already decided and this not being a political blog I'll say no more about that, just that it wasn't how I wanted to spend a Sunday.  Perhaps this next week, or perhaps not, either way I know I am welcome and loved there despite believing things that are not common held beliefs in the congregation.  And with that example of Christlike love I don't think I've met a more Christian bunch of Christians anywhere else!

Voluntary Service

In my new church home where I've been attending for a couple months now I've volunteered to be one of the greeters and ushers.  Greeters hold the door and Ushers pass out programs, pass the communion trays, and the collection plates.  I was more full of joy and gratitude to serve today than I ever was in an LDS setting. I loved serving in the LDS church too, but it being expected and not really voluntary makes an interesting difference.  I remember moving to different wards, and sometimes waiting months before getting to serve, and really wanting to but you aren't allowed to serve until you are given a "calling" and other wards where I barely attended a week before I was extended a calling and told what to do to serve.  The waiting was always full of a certain amount of fearful anticipation wondering if I would get called to something I wasn't very good at or don't really enjoy.  It was very much stressed that you shouldn't decline a calling, making one almost feel guilty if they didn't want to serve in the calling they were given.  Serving to avoid a feeling of guilt is so much different than serving motivated by a real love and desire to serve.  Often that love and desire are there too within the LDS setting, sometimes that comes after the service and often at such a time the person would then be released and called to something else.  This expectation of service regardless of what that person really wants to do and what their gifts are makes the service feel less like a gift freely given and more like an obligation. Yet that expectation of service prepared me to volunteer. 

After not very long attending my current church home I couldn't help but feel the need to make a meaningful contribution to their services.  I was grateful to the others I could see volunteering each week to watch my children, hold the doors, and other such services.  I wanted to be involved in this community of Christians and not simply an observer of them as I came and went enjoying my personal worship of my Savior.  Christ was a man of service and following His example to serve within the church greatly amplified my worship experience.  Initially I worried that the time spent ushering I would miss out in singing and worshiping, and though I didn't sing as much as I did as a member of the audience the Spirit was over me and God filled my need to commune with Him so I really wasn't sacrificing anything that I thought I would be. 

As I was greeting and ushering this week I was wearing my head covering. And two very interesting things happened. One lady talked to me about how to tie my scarves the way I did and said she wants to get scarves for cancer patients, but doesn't know how to tie them. I told her about the youtube tutorials I watched and to search for head coverings.  I hope to see her again and see if this is something I could get involved in with her.  Another lady asked me if I'm Jewish, and she told me she is a Messianic Jew, and talked about the women wearing head coverings at her synagogue. I told her I wasn't Jewish, and I wished I could have talked to her more. I would be very interested in visiting her synagogue if they would let me.  These were both people I wouldn't have met had I not volunteered today.  I hope to make the same connections next week and get to learn more about these women's journey.

Commandments of Health Really are Spiritual

I got a gym membership with childcare 3 days ago, and have gone twice now (so sore!) and am resting today (a Sunday).  I wanted to get in better shape so I would feel better about how I look, and have better energy and endurance to keep up with my kids.

Yesterday I was listening to something someone shared with me about how to receive a Second Comforter experience, and he talked about keeping the commandments and to keep them you have to search the scriptures to learn them.  A lot of things on this path I've not wanted to do my own research about, but have preferred to read or listen to the research of others.  Some things I have researched for myself (head coverings, early Relief Society) but when it came to a visit with God I didn't want to have to dig through the scriptures (honestly my mission almost ruined the scriptures for me largely due to the lack of freedom about what to study).  This morning my heart was softened, and I repented of this anti-scripture mentality and was going to start searching the old testament commandments.  So I went to Genesis Chapter 1, and a verse or two in after thinking I should remember to look for the "Joseph Smith Translation" footnotes, the Spirit said, "Then you should really start with Moses 1"  And there it is Moses encountering God and being physically exhausted afterwards.  And the Spirit said, "and you want to see God, but a couple little work outs at the gym leave you sore?  Do you really think you are ready for the physical toll of an encounter with God?"  And I remembered another part of the talk/interview I'd listened to he talked about the laws about what to eat having things in common with the word of wisdom, and there being a connection between health and spirituality.  And this was a HUGE "Ah ha" moment for me.  Surely ALL commandments ARE spiritual.  The LDS Church teaches the word of wisdom like a way to live longer, and sometimes that drugs and alcohol can interfere with feeling the influence of the Spirit, but this brings a whole new insight and reason to be healthy.  Joseph Smith was a farmer and they are strong!  And he was tired after encounters with God.  Now, I'll be working out with a completely different motivation than I started with!  If my health has been something preventing the ability to encounter the divine I will do what it takes to regain the physical stamina I once had before having kids.  Let God and your love for Them and your desire to return to Their presence motivate you to gain the physical stamina to be able to withstand such an encounter. 

Stuck in an Eddy in the River of Life

Yesterday and this morning I've been pouring my heart out to God asking for answers and asking for help.  My husband is working 60 hr weeks at two jobs, and with my kids home all day for the summer I feel like I'm barely maintaining my household, and not very well at that.  If I get any cleaning done in one room I'm sure to find another that my kids have messed up worse than the one I was just cleaning.  I don't feel like I'm making any progress in any areas of my life right now.  Then while praying this morning the word popped into my head, "eddy," so I asked God, "Who's Eddy? I don't know anyone named Eddy."  I can feel Him almost laughing at me, "Not 'Who?' what!" It suddenly clicks!  I'm in an eddy in the river of life right now.  Just swirling around not really going forward or backward.  What are the eddies of life for?  What should I do about it?  The answer came to just keep doing what I can to strengthen myself and to practice the essential things I really need to master as a mother and homemaker.  Once I'm strong enough I'll be able to break out of the eddy without getting swept away by the current or smashed on the rocks up ahead.  Life isn't like the lazy kind of rivers I see in Kansas it's more like the mountain rivers and streams that have rapids, cascades, and waterfalls with huge rocks every where.  So I should be thankful for the little eddies too that give me the time to strengthen myself and prepare for what is coming down stream, even though I can only really see a small unsure glimpse of what's downstream from where I am.  And most of all it's okay to be in an eddy for a while now and then.  They are there for a reason.

Grace and Repentance

Sorry for taking such a long break.  I feel like I'm in the process of reinventing myself.  I've changed what religion I identify as, one stage of life is ending and a new one beginning, and the dream I always thought I would be pursuing at this point in my life is not even in the picture and a new dream completely unlike anything I imagined (prior to several months ago) is beginning to take shape.  Anyhow for the past month this blog has been about the last thing on my mind.  But none of this is why you chose to read this post, though it does relate, so I'll show you how God's grace has been transforming my life.

Each Sunday I've been trying something different a while of just staying home trying to figure out the best thing to do as a family without going anywhere.  I've attended random churches, and I think we've found one that's a good fit at least for our current needs as a family right now.  I've realized some interesting contrasts by attending experimentally some other Christian churches, then contrasting it with a chance LDS meeting I went to on a whim.  The other Christian church was focused on the joy and the miracle that is available to us through accepting the atonement of Christ in our lives.  The LDS meeting was about repentance and was full of sorrow, and the hardship of life and the failings of us as humans, and the sorrow of these failings was the focus.  When we make our focus on the negative things in life that will be what our life will be full of.  When our focus is on the positive, the joy of Christ's grace to become a new person, a better person, in Christ we change and repent without realizing it.  We can't white knuckle our way to heaven!  If you have to "white knuckle it" to resist temptation your heart is still set on the thing you are tempted with and not on Christ.  If your heart is set on Christ, He will help you through His grace to become the new person He wants you to be.  I want to be clear grace is not the ability to be forgiven and never have to change anything about yourself.  It is by grace we are saved because we all are sinners and fall short of the glory of God.  But that grace is something we must accept and embrace and allow it to work in our lives, and as we do we literally become a new person.  I'm so completely different as a person than I was six or nine months ago!  It is all by God's grace that I've had the power to transform my life into something different than I ever planned or thought possible. 

I was going to write a separate post about all the life changes that have happened to me lately that distracted me from my writing for over a month.  But I realized as editing these two separate posts that they really are the same thing.  I have been shifting my focus and changing lately, this is what repentance is.  And through the grace of Christ I'm realizing greater purpose and happiness in my life doing things I never thought possible.  The story of my sabbatical from my blog is the story of God's grace being manifest in my life and me taking the time I needed to accept and act upon this gift.

For the last seven and a half years of my life I've been either pregnant or nursing a baby.  As this stage begins to wind down for many reasons, I've been overcome with the desire to make a difference in the world.  I even wept one night talking to my husband about this desire it was so strong, but without any clear direction.  I want to do something beyond raising children who will have the skills to make a difference in their world.  Don't get me wrong, I believe motherhood to be extremely important and I love it, but I also believe my example of how I use my time and what I do to change my world will also make me a better mother and motivate my children to find their niche to impact the world for the better as well.  I once thought that when this phase of life came along I would start offering private art lessons, perhaps to home school kids.  But there just isn't a demand for this, especially with the advancing pace of technology.  My skills are obsolete.  Now I've made the bold decision to become a lapidary (one who carves and polishes stone sometimes for jewelry, sometimes larger works like spheres, or small sculptures).  Thank goodness for youtube training videos!  I'm trying to settle into my new identities.  And I am full of happiness with this choice.  When I got just a few supplies and started working I knew this was the right path for me.

Hopefully as these aspects of life settle down a bit I should be able to write posts a little more regularly.  How has God's grace manifest in your life?  If you are resisting change that God wants for you, you are essentially rejecting His grace and Christ's atonement.  Embrace his love and his grace and let your life take the beautiful shape He has in store for you.  It is likely better than anything you could dream up for yourself.  May God's grace manifest in your life journey too.

The Truth About Relief Society Part 4: More Teachings in the Navoo Relief Society

If you have not yet read Part 1, Part 2, or Part 3 of this series I recommend reading them first before proceeding with this post.

Joseph Smith at the Nineth Meeting

Joseph Smith addressed the Sisters next in their Nineth meeting.  All their meetings between his talk in the sixth meeting and in the ninth were rather more business oriented than spiritually oriented, aside from some talks about avoiding evil in one of the meetings.  Again quotes in this post will be taken from the Navoo Relief Society Minute Book.

In his talk in the ninth meeting Joseph Smith warned the Sisters to avoid some pit falls he could see in the church as a whole, and some within the Society as well.  "Prest. J. Smith rose, read the 14th Chap. of  Ezekiel— said the Lord had declar’d by the prophet that the people should each one stand for himself  and depend on no man or men in that state of corruption of the Jewish church— that righteous persons could only deliver their own souls— applied it to the present state of the church of Latter-Day Saints— said if the people departed from the Lord, they must fall— that they were depending on the prophet hence were darkened in their minds from neglect of themselves" (p. 51)  We should only rely on God and whenever we put a man between us and God we are inhibiting our own progress.  But to rely on God means you actually have to be responsible to build your own relationship with Him.  It takes real work.  Thus why it is the narrower and less followed path.

The rest of Joseph's Talk was largely focused on avoiding gossip: "the tongue is an unruly member— hold your tongues about things of no moment, — a little tale will set the world on fire."  And later in the talk,  "I do not want to cloak iniquity— all things contrary to the will of God, should be cast from us, but don't do more hurt than good with your tongues— be pure in heart— Jesus designs to save the people out of their sins. Said Jesus ye shall do the work which ye see me do— These are the grand key words for the Society to act upon." (p. 52-53)  Let us use our words to uplift, and inspire one another.  Learning the sin of another is only helpful insomuch as it gives us an opportunity to forgive, and to learn not to make the same mistake ourselves; any other purpose is not of an uplifting nature and should therefore be avoided.

Bishop Whitney at the Tenth Meeting

At first, I was only going to focus on Joseph Smith's teachings, but as I read the talk presented by Bishop Whitney at the tenth meeting I was moved to include some of it here.  He says, "We must humble ourselves and live by the rule given for our practice— we must lose sight of vain things and  remember that the eye of God is upon us. If we are striving to do right, altho’ we may err in judgment many times yet we are justified in the sight of God if we do the best we can according to our judgment. We need not go astray if we will strive in all the energy of our souls to do right." (p. 58-59 emphasis added)  He did not teach to rely on his judgment or even Joseph's judgment, but each on their own judgment, but that is not enough, once you have made a judgment about a thing you must act with all the energy of your soul.  Any who act with this kind of energy will soon find out through such an experiment whether or not they are acting right on the matter, if they are humble enough to be willing to learn whether they err.  Later he continues, "We must prove all things and hold fast that which is good.  There are blessings lying before which are worth striving to obtain. It is our duty to humble ourselves— it  is our most reasonable service to do it— must proceed to receive grace for grace, light and intelligence— if  we have intelligence we have power."  Humility is the willingness and desire to learn; line upon line, and grace for grace is the way to learn. 

He continues on to talk about unity saying, "We may have different views of things, still there is some criterion which all may come to, and by bringing our minds and wills into subjection to the law of the Lord, may come to unity. It is impossible while finding fault with one another to be united." (p. 59)  When we concern ourselves with our own path to God and allow others to worry about their own paths without fear of judgment, that is the beginning of unity.

Joseph Smith at the Eleventh Meeting

At the next meeting Joseph Smith addressed the sisters again this time on the importance of fellow shipping one another with kindness and of avoiding self-righteousness.  "Christ was condemn’d  by the righteous jews because he took sinners into his  society— he took them up on the principle that they repented of their sins. It is the object of this Society to reform persons, not to take those that are corrupt, but if they repent we are bound to take them and by kindness sanctify and cleanse from all unrighteousness, by our influence in watching over them. . . . Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what pow’r it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind." (p. 61-62) The importance of using kindness and love in helping others is a simple matter of human behavior and our natural tendency to get defensive when accused.  To give kindness to those we perceive as being 'not as worthy' gives us the opportunity to grow a friendship and perhaps learn they are not so unworthy as we think, and we might learn of our own deficiencies through the challenges of being kind to someone in whatever way different from us.  Joseph continues,  "All the religious world is boasting of righteousness — tis the doctrine of the devil to retard the human mind and retard our progress, by filling us with selfrighteousness— The nearer we get to our heavenly Father, the more are we dispos’d to look with compassion on perishing souls— to take them upon our shoulders and cast their sins behind our back. I am going to talk to all this Society— if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another." (p. 62) He continues, "We are full of selfishness—  the devil flatters us that we are very righteous, while we  are feeding on the faults of others— We can only live by worshipping our God— all must do it for themselves—  none can do it for another." (p. 63)  Knowing we are each on our own path to God and that none can do it for another should be a very humbling thought.  We should be seeking knowledge for ourselves, and kindness and patience for others as they seek it for themselves.

Final Thoughts

I hope this series has been uplifting and enlightening for my readers.  As I've read these Minutes I've had a sort of idea formulated of just what Zion might be like and what Joseph wanted for the early Saints that they collectively didn't seem to fully grasp.  I don't know if I fully grasp it myself, but I sure am closer than I was before.  As we fill our hearts with Love and not judgment, with humility and not self-righteousness, with patience and long suffering and not anger, as we make our focus our own relationship with Christ and not focus on man, we will each be that much closer to establishing the Kingdom of God again on the Earth.  It can happen!  God has made it possible through the grace of Christ's atonement.  And Blessed be the name of the Father forever for giving us the power of deliverance through His Son Jesus Christ.  My God bless you on your journey wherever it takes you!

Helping your inner child

The next morning after my session I decided to check on my inner child in my meditation and see how she was doing.  The cage was still gone, but she had been left in an empty lonely place.  I pictured the perfect big climbing tree (I loved climbing trees as a child.) and then in the tree I build her a treehouse.  It had paints for her to paint the walls with, and a corner with fluffy pillows and blankets she could curl up in to rest or read a book.  I build a door in the roof so she could climb high in the tree when she wants, and gave her a telescope to look out around her and watch for any signs of danger.  But it wasn't complete.  Then I remembered a two story treehouse my husband told me about that he had as a kid.  So I built her a lower level on the ground too.  This one had a bookshelf with all her favorite books and a cumfy chair to read them in.  Then I realized she needed help feeling safe to be able to relax to read or paint and enjoy herself.  So I gave her a cat to sense when something is amiss and warn her and then she can climb up to see what is wrong with her telescope.  The cat can also be her friend and keep her company while I'm busy.  Now it is complete.  It is the kind of place I longed for as a child with four sibblings.  I never had a place I could consider my own where I could go to decompress when I was overstimulated.  Now she has the place I so badly needed when I was young.

What does your inner child need to feel safe and happy?  What did you always wish you had as a child?  What place did you wish to go?  Give it to your inner child now.  It's never too late for healing.

"Neither Borrower, nor Lender be..."

So I decided that for my own peace of mind and security I would stop letting me and my husband make excuses and finally learn how to live on a budget.  I talked to my sister knowing she would be supportive, and knowing she and her husband have always been on a budget and know how to do it.  I got encouragement, and Dave Ramsey advice and ultimately enrolled online in Financial Peace University.  So after watching the first three classes I sat down to make a budget.  We had saved our receipts for a month and I sat down looked at my pile of receipts and just started crying.  Then I wondered what was wrong with me.  I hadn't even really gotten started yet.

I reached out for help, certain, after an evening's reflection, that this was related to negative financial beliefs and emotions I had emphatically picked up from my parents as a child.  I got a call from a woman who mentors professionally, and would give me a free first session.  We started with some questions. What were my beliefs?  One was that no matter how hard we try we just can't get out of debt.  How did that make me feel?  Like I'm in bondage to our creditors.  What feelings did this bring up?  Powerlessness. ...  It's just not possible.  Word association...I forget what it was but I came up with a cage.  I pictured the cage.  Am I inside it?  No my inner child is inside the cage, I am an observer.  Ask her if you can help her get out.  She doesn't know.  She doesn't understand how she got here or how to get out or who can help her.  That's okay.  She's only a child, she doesn't understand.  Do you know how to free her?  I can't.  I don't know how.  You need a hero to help you.  You can choose whoever you want.  I choose Christ.  Christ comes down in a beam of light overpowering the darkness where me and my inner child have been.  He holds and comforts me.  He places a key in my hand and we unlock and then lift the cage together off my inner child and it dissolves into light.  She runs to Christ and He picks her up.  He tells her He loves her, she can trust me, I can keep her safe, and she has a mission to fulfill helping others.   He then talks to me handing her over to my care, reassuring me that I can trust myself and that the gifts He has blessed me with have a purpose.  Through trust in Him I can feel secure even while in the bondage of our debts.

Next there are the ties to my mother to deal with.  There is one of light between our hearts but there are a few of darkness to other places that cause fear of things that were her problems becoming my problems too.  I cut only the dark ones with scissors and hand them to Christ and he heals them and dissolves them into light.  What do I want to send to my mother?  Forgiveness, Love, Reassurance that severing the dark cords doesn't mean I'll sever the light ones, in fact the absence of dark ones tainting our relationship makes the light one even stronger.

I was full of peace when it was done.  I honestly believe we can get through our troubles and I can feel secure and have great relationships with God and my husband even as we are trying to get out of debt and build a better future for ourselves.  I began the session without hope for the future, but I ended full of not only hope but confidence in the future, myself, and Christ to overcome these challenges and fulfill the mission God has for me to impact the world around me for good.


Financial healing takes healing of the emotions behind the financial problems.  It is all inter-related and not one aspect can be ignored.  I love you.  May God bless you in your journey of healing too. 

The Truth About Relief Society Part 3: The Teachings of the Modern LDS Church

If you haven't first read Part 1 and Part 2, I recommend reading them first.  Part 2 will be directly referenced throughout Part 3.

In Daughters in My Kingdom, an LDS Church publication about the history of Relief Society, it talks about the founding of Relief Society and about Joseph Smith teaching the sisters it says, "The Prophet's teachings in this setting guided the work of the Relief Society sisters and the priesthood leaders who served them.  Those teachings continue to influence the work of the Church today."  (Daughters in My Kingdom, p. 17)  The purpose of this part is to analyze the truthfulness of this claim and see just how much Joseph Smith's teachings really influence us today.

 Gifts of the Spirit

We saw in Part 2 Joseph Smith teaching about the gifts of the Spirit coming straight from 1 Corinthians 12, and then expounding on it teaching all believers would manifest one or more of these gifts and the women were included.  And the gifts were tongues, the interpretation of tongues, prophesy, knowledge, wisdom, healing, and being healed.  But what are we taught in General Conference about spiritual gifts?

In "Life's Lessons Learned" by Joseph Wirthlin, he talks briefly in passing about the gifts of the Spirit, "We all possess spiritual gifts. Some are blessed with the gift of faith, others the gift of healing. In the body of the Church, all of the spiritual gifts are present. In my case, perhaps one of the spiritual gifts for which I am most grateful is that I have been blessed with an obedient spirit. When I heard wise counsel from my parents or Church leaders, I listened and tried to make it part of my thoughts and actions.

"Brethren of the priesthood, I urge you to cultivate the gift of an obedient spirit."An obedient spirit has never been referenced in the scriptures as a spiritual gift.  Obedience is a personal choice, and more of a character attribute than it is a gift of the Spirit.

In his talk "Eyes to See and Ears to Hear" Kim Clark talks about spiritual gifts and even the day of Pentecost in the New Testament.  "Just before His suffering in Gethsemane and on Calvary, Jesus made His disciples this remarkable promise: 'He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.^'

"Jesus fulfilled that promise: beginning with the day of Pentecost, the disciples were blessed with the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost. Through their faith in Christ, repentance, and obedience, the Holy Ghost became their companion, changed their hearts, and blessed them with an abiding witness of the truth.

"These gifts and blessings strengthened the Lord’s disciples. Although the times they lived in were dangerous and confusing, they received the spiritual gift of eyes to see and ears to hear."  In actuality the day of Pentecost was accompanied by much more than "eyes to see and ears to hear."  It was an outpouring of the Spirit in which the apostles saw visions, and spoke in tongues and those listening through the interpretation of tongues each heard them in their own language.  Yes, in one sense this can be called "eyes to see and ears to hear" as the things they saw and heard were spiritual and only able to be seen and heard if one had the necessary gifts of the Spirit to do so.  As he continues it is obvious he doesn't mean for us to think we can receive the same visions and tongues and the interpretations, no he only thinks, "We need eyes to see more clearly the Savior working in our lives and ears to hear His voice more deeply in our hearts."  And while I agree with this statement I don't consider it to be the same in any way as the gifts of the Spirit and certainly not on par with or greater than the works of Christ as He promised His apostles.

Really it's hard to find many sources in modern teachings about spiritual gifts.  Some talks mention them in passing saying to seek them, but really not much if anything about what they are, or how to use them, or what each one should be used for.  The spiritual gifts found in the scriptures is just not expounded on because it is such a rare occurrence in the LDS Church for someone to actually have any of them, so if we talked about them and brought them to attention we would have to face the reality these gifts Christ promised to those who believe in Him are for the most part absent among us.  I would think that within each ward there would be at least one holding each gift so we could benefit one from another, but in all the several wards I've been in I have never heard of even one person who had and openly exercised their gift to benefit the ward.  Healing blessings I would receive would really be prayers for the doctor to do a good job.

Keys and Guarding Against Corruption in the Church

To quickly recap, Joseph Smith taught the sisters that both the Relief Society and the Church had the keys and that there were aspiring elders who had already led to corruption within the Church and warned them to guard against such things within their Society.  While a search for Spiritual Gifts conference talks generates about two and a half pages of results, a search for keys generates ten pages of talk titles to sort through. 

Spencer Kimball in his talk, "We Thank Thee, O God, for a Prophet" declared the comfort we should receive from this quote from Wilford Woodruff, "I say to Israel, the Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as president of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the program. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so he will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from his oracles of God and from their duty."  So not only is there no possibility of corruption but once someone gains the position of leading the Church they lose their agency and are incapable of leading the Church astray.  Many other bloggers have written about this topic so I will recommend you to them.

Searching for general conference talks about corruption results in talks referencing the evils and corruption that is in the world, never within the church or even warning to watch for it.  It simply isn't considered a possibility, or at least not one they want us to be aware of.  But they are more than happy to preach about the keys, and the fact that they are the only ones who have them.

Seeking the Presence of God

Joseph Smith taught the sisters that as they would be faithful they would receive angels, Christ and ultimately come to the presence of the Father all in this life.  It was clear he was talking about now and not some hypothetical or distant future.  Jörg Klebingat in his talk, "Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence" (I actually had hope reading the title.) expounds much more on how to have confidence than he does about approaching the throne of God.  In fact the only time he really talks about being in the presence of Christ or God is as a hypothetical question in his introduction and in his testimony at the end saying, "I testify of a loving Savior who is anxious for your 'confidence [to] wax strong in the presence of God.'"  Instead the body of his talk was about things like taking spiritual responsibility, exercise and eating right, embracing obedience, getting good at repenting and forgiving, and accepting trials as a part of mortality.  All of these things are great, but he neglected to tell us how they will aid us in approaching the throne of God, aside from having more confidence.     All other references I found were either about being in God's presence after the resurrection, or leaving it because of the Fall of Adam.  We no longer teach it as a possibility within this life.

So all these topics taught by Joseph Smith are largely ignored, set aside, or outright contradicted in the LDS Church's current teachings.  I could have done more research to collect more sources, but I found no joy, or light in the things I found and prefer going back to sources of light.  So Part 4 will resume teachings of Joseph Smith to the Relief Society in Navoo.

The Truth about Relief Society Part 2: Joseph Smith's Teachings

If you haven't already read Part 1 I recommend reading it first.

Joseph Smith's Teachings From the 6th Meeting

In the sixth meeting of the Female Relief Society of Navoo, Joseph Smith wished to address the sisters, but before doing so "That as his instructions were intended only for the Society; he requested that a vote should be taken on those present who were not members to ascertain whether they should be admitted." (JSP Navoo Relief Society Minute Book p. 34)  Some sisters were given a "no" vote and before proceeding with the meeting a committee was appointed to inquire about the objections. The committee returned at the end of the meeting to present their results and the objections against one of the women was removed. (ibid p. 41) (This could be examined too in relation to how "no" votes are handled now, but for that discussion I will just direct you here as the purpose of this post is only the topic of Relief Society.)  Joseph Smith wanting this teaching to only be for the Relief Society sisters, shows both the seriousness of the topic and a certain amount of what was going on in the church at the time as you will see.

In just the previous meeting one sister spoke in tongues, followed by a sister who interpreted, and one who prophesied, and after the conclusion of the meeting two sisters administered to one who was sick and healed her. (ibid p. 32-33)  Reports of this meeting came to Joseph and so he chose to address the sisters at the following meeting.  He taught from Corinthians about the gifts of the Spirit.  "He said the reason of these remarks being made, was, that some little thing was circulating in the Society, that some persons were not going right in laying hands on the sick etc.  Said if he had common sympathies, would rejoice that the sick could be healed." (ibid p. 35-36)  He continued on "no matter who believeth; these signs, such as healing the sick, casting out devils etc. should follow all that believe whether male or female.  He asked the Society if they could not see by this sweeping stroke, that wherein they are ordained, it is the privilege of those set apart to administer in that authority which is confired on them -- and if the sisters should have faith to heal the sick, let all hold their tongues, and let everything roll on." [emphasis added] (ibid p. 36)  Today in the Ordain Women movement women are only asking for what Joseph Smith gave them in the first place, and they are being excommunicated for doing so.  Joseph Smith continued to teach the sisters, "Respecting the female laying on hands, he remarked, there could be no devil in it if God gave His sanction by healing -- that there could be no more sin in any female laying hands on the sick than with wetting the face with water -- that it is no sin for anybody to do it that has faith, or if the sick has faith to be healed by the administration." (ibid p. 36)  He cautioned the sisters about speaking in tongues "If any have a matter to reveal let it be in your own tongue. Do not indulge too much in the gift of tongues, or the devil will take advantage of the innocent.  You may speak in tongues for your comfort but I lay this down for a rule that if any thing is taught by the gift of tongues it is not to be received for doctrine." (ibid p. 40-41) Joseph Smith taught the sisters in his day they had the same power to do the the same things as the men, because these were Spiritual Gifts that all who believe have access to.  And the spiritual gifts he spoke of were those found in the scriptures namely tongues, the interpretation of tongues, prophesy, knowledge, wisdom, healing, and being healed.

He next taught them about maintaining their proper place and order within their Society.  "President Smith continued by speaking of the difficulties he had to surmount ever since the commencement of the work in consequence of aspiring men 'big great Elders' as he called them, who had caused him much trouble, whom he had taught in private counsel and they would go forth into the world and proclaim the things he had taught them; as their own revelations -- Said the same aspiring disposition will be in this Society, and must be guarded against -- that every person should stand and act in the place appointed, and thus sanctify the Society and get it pure" He then spoke about not having long and not having many opportunities to teach them, "He spoke of delivering the keys to this Society and to the church." [emphasis added] (ibid p.37) If Emma and her counselors held keys as the leaders of the Relief Society they had just as much a claim to the continued line of authority as did the 12 apostles according to this quote.  And in the context of the church being plagued with aspiring men who had their own goals and not the welfare of the church in mind, the claim of these three sisters' authority might even be more legitimate.  "He said if one member becomes corrupt and you know it; you must immediately put it away.  The sympathies of the heads of the church have induced them to bare with those that were corrupt; in consequence of which all become contaminated --" (ibid p. 38)  No wonder Emma chose not to go west following after men her own husband admitted were corrupt and contaminated. This teaching to the sisters of the church shows that the leaders of the church were already embarking on the road to apostasy, and not only was it very possible for the church to be led astray it was something to very carefully be guarded against.

Joseph Smith also taught of the urgency and importance of doing good and seeking a relationship with God.  "If you do right, no danger of going too fast: he said he did not care how fast we run in the path of virtue.  Resist evil and there is no danger."  When after speaking of their gift for charity some quote often used in the church he continues with things you will never hear at church, "if you live up to your privilege, angels can not be restrained from being your associates -- females if they are pure and innocent can come into the presence of God; you must be innocent or you cannot come up before God.  If we would come before God let us be pure ourselves.  The Devil has great power -- he will so transform things as to make one gape at those who are doing the will of God -- you need not be tearing for their deeds, but let the weight of innocence be felt; which is more mighty than a millstone hung about the neck.  Not war, not jangle, not contradiction, but meekness, love, purity, these are the things that should magnify us. ... iniquity must be purged out -- then the veil will be rent and the blessings of heaven will flow down." (ibid p. 38)  Joseph Smith believed it was possible and wanted the sisters to come into the literal presence of God in this life.  It was something for them to strive for and seek.

Part 3 will contrast these teachings with what the LDS church teaches today.

Auras, Energy Fields, Their differences, Energy healing and what exactly it does

(A post I wrote back in January and some how thought I published when I hadn't)

So, here is what I have come to know, and how it influences my outlook on energy healing. First we consist of a body and a spirit. Both of these are in human form, and the spirit resides inside our body and makes us alive. The body has an energy field or electro-magnetic field closely surrounding it. A youtube video I watched about how to learn to see auras was really about how to see the energy field. The energy field also has meridians within the body that allow the energy to flow, and chakras that sort of pool and collect certain energies. These chakras should be regularly cleared of any negative emotions which have gotten stuck there. The chakras also sort of bridge and connect your body and spirit together.

The aura (for lack of a better word to call it to distinguish it from the energy field) is part of our spiritual side of our being and is much more complex than our energy field. It can move as we will it to. It connects us with the Holy Ghost, and it can protect us from evil spirits as we strengthen it. No person can access it without our permission. I heard of someone who had the spiritual gift of seeing auras, and she could not just see some energy surrounding their body, she also saw things they were interested in, their talents and hobbies sort of floating around them. An energy healer can use their own aura to assist their energy field in their work, but it is only to access the client's energy field.

Energy healing is to help people clear emotional energy that got stuck in a meridian or chakra or sometimes in other places in the body. These emotions can be resentments we don't want to let go or that we don't know how to let go, or bad paradigms we learned when we were young particularly about yourself. Many suffer from beliefs about themselves they just don't know how to overcome. That they are unlovable, or unimportant, or failures. These beliefs become self-fulfilling prophesies as situations they are in they will subconsciously sabotage, till it fits their paradigms and proves them right. Energy healing helps to locate and then allow the good energy to flow again.  

There are multiple modes of energy healing from things as simple as kissing boo-boos to modes as complex as accupuncture.  Some are more geared toward physical ailments, and some are more geared towards emotional ones.  Often physical ailments can have emotional causes, so the two will be interrelated.  A massage therapist who also talks you through releasing a stress so that they can get a stubborn knot out.   Or a counseling session that ends up through emotional healing inadvertantly healing some physical ailment that has been bothering you for years.

The Truth about Relief Society Part 1: The Founding and Origional Organization

My experience that prompted this post

You never know how little authority women in the church have till you are called to a position in which you think you can do something meaningful, just to find out you can't even plan a single topic without permission from a man.  We take such pride in saying Relief Society is the oldest women's organization in the world, but how is it a women's organization if we have to get permission from a man who isn't part of said organization to do anything within it?  To me this doesn't make any sense at all.  I wouldn't mind if women never get the priesthood, but can we at least get control over our own organization again? The High Priests, and Elders can organize their own activities, extend their own callings and fulfill their responsibilities all on their own.  Why should the women need the oversight and supervision of the Bishop to do the same things?  We are treated not like equals but like children.  We don't want the priesthood so we can be Bishops, or Elders (at least most that I know of).  Men can have those callings, we just want the freedom to do what we like within our own organization.  In attempting to plan a gathering outside of normal Sunday services I have to get permission for the topic AND the teacher of the topic.  Apparently this control over the women has been going on for well over 60 years.

So what was Relief Society when it was founded?  Let's look at what Relief Society was when organized by Joseph Smith.  With the Joseph Smith Papers we can go straight to the source and read about the organization of Relief Society straigh from their own meeting minutes:

"President Smith further remarked that an organization to show them how to go to work would be sufficient. He proposed that the Sisters choose a presiding officer to preside over them, and let the presiding officer choose two counselors to assist in the duties of her office -- that he would ordain them to preside over the Society -- and let them preside just as the Presidency presides over the church and if they need instruction -- ask him, he will give it from time to time." [emphasis added] (JSP Nauvoo Relief Society Minute Book p.7-8)

Notice the women choose the leader, and she chooses counselors, all Joseph did is propose the organization and ordain the women they chose to lead them. They can ask him for instruction but he did not mandate anything in the form of policies or anything else, a Constitution was all up to them to create for themselves.

"If any Officers are wanted to carry out the designs of the Institution, let them be appointed and set apart, as Deacons, Teachers, etc. are among us. . . .

"He then suggested the propriety of electing a Presidency to continue in office during good behavior, or so long as they shall continue to fill the office with dignity etc. like the first Presidency of the Church.

"Motioned by Sister Whitney and seconded by Sister Packard that Mrs. Emma Smith be chosen President -- Passed unanimously --" (ibid p.8)

The ONLY role of the priesthood in Relief Society was to ordain the women to offices within the Society, not even to propose or vote on who those sisters should be!!!  Joseph Smith did not call Emma to be the first President of Relief Society, the sisters did by common consent.  Relief Society had it's own funds, and it's own treasurer, and was not dependent on the Church for it's financial means to carry out it's purposes.  Joseph Smith gave the first donation of $5, and after the minutes of each meeting a record was kept of donations including who gave and the amount.  The men present for the initial organization and naming of the Society withdrew before the choice of secretaries and treasurer were made.  (ibid p. 13)

Sisters who wanted to join the Female Relief Society of Navoo had to apply and their membership be voted on by common conent of those who already belonged (this is an action at the begining of each meeting, the sustaining of new members), just as men admitted to the priesthood are sustained by common consent then and still today.  Every meeting (except one when Joseph Smith thought they were growing too fast) started with the sustaining of new members, and a list of those who were added to the Society.  Early meetings talked about the importance of avoiding evil, and in the third meeting Joseph Smith said, "none should be received into the Society but those who were worthy -- proposed that the Society go into a close examination of every candidate." (ibid p. 22)  Much of this responsibility fell to Emma.  

What has Changed?

Today the men decide who will be in various positions in Relief Society and the men decide how much money from church funds can be used by the Relief Society, the men decide what topics we can teach and when and who can teach them. Voting on new members who wish to join has been done away now and any female member of the church over the age of 18 is automatically a member of Reilief Society. We don't make our own lessons, and we don't have our own funds to administer relief with.  Really we don't do any administering relief any more.  We do some service to those who need it from time to time, but most of our ability to give relief has been crippled by the church burocracy (speaking from my own experience and observation).  We instead create our own new organizations (like the Liahona Children's Foundation) separate from the church when we find a need of relief because we can't give relief in Relief Society any more.

Continue to Part 2

"In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path."

I realize I've taken a fairly long break from writing here.  Sorry for my lengthy absence, life has been a little on the crazy side lately.

I've been thinking about starting a busniess, but wasn't sure what kind I want.  I'd been thinking about many different modes of natural healing, and with each one the investment of time and money to learn it never felt worth it to me. With each one something was holding me back.  In my heart I'm an artist.  I'm also extremely introverted, and many of these modes of healing were not true to all the gifts God has given me.  But when I thought about art it just doesn't seem to be true to my healing, empathic side.  Then I got the idea of carving and polishing crystals.  Now that's a job that can't just be done by a 3D printer!  And it's the perfect combination of healing and art.  I got some sandpaper, and started polishing a mostly flat side of a raw quartz I had, and I was just so full of joy!  That was when I knew THIS is my path.  It will likely take a year or two save the money to get all the supplies I will need, but I'm so grateful I didn't waste money investing in something that I would have eventually found to be the wrong fit for me and my family (just to start over again with something else).

The timing couldn't be better for me to find my life mission.  My youngest is now over a year old, and my husband graduates college in a couple months.  I can start learning about the business side and any skills I still lack in working with stone while I save the money needed to invest in supplies and raw stones.  Everything in my life feels like it has been working together to get me to this point.  I'll be able to photograph my work, having already studied photography.  I've already worked with carving stone.  My husband has experience selling things online...though it was Ebay and not Etsy which is what I think I will use.  The only thing I lack is the business experience which would be the case no matter what kind of business I would have chosen.  And it's something I can easily do here and there between meeting the needs of my family.  A crystal I can set down to talk to my kids.  A client would think me unprofessional if my family's needs interupted a session.  Thank you, Lord, for directing my path to bring me to where I am today!

"Whoso is looked upon to be lusted after....no wait...That's not right...

I've recently discovered some things about my past, and beliefs about myself that caused physical problems as I was growing from a girl to a woman.  There are some things that are fundamentally wrong about the way the church I grew up in taught modesty. (For example the end of this.) I was taught modesty to such a standard that if a boy or man looked at me and was aroused I was pornography, and it caused serious psychological, and emotional damage.

When men put the blame for their thoughts on women the message it sends us is that our very identity as women is something to be ashamed of. For me growing up it meant guys couldn't be trusted.  If I was the one responsible to keep their thoughts pure clearly they had no self-control.  As I began growing into a woman I grew my hair long and always wore it down to try to hide my developing chest behind it. I was often distracted by my own endeavors to NOT be porn. I felt that growing from a girl to a woman was something to fear and be ashamed of. Then all the while thinking I must be exceptionally ugly because I never went on any dates. This is what these ideas do to women. It teaches them that they need to hide who they are and can't even embrace the shape their body takes (which they don't even have control over) because our shape is evil and turns us into porn if a man chooses to look at us wrong. If guys have a right to not be distracted by girls, shouldn't girls also have a right to not be distracted by whether or not they have sufficiently concealed their identity as growing women? (I ask this more rhetorically.  Really neither is a right, both are a choice.)  Men have no idea how hurtful and damaging this mentality and message really is. The rare occurrence that I might receive a cat call meant I had failed in my attempts to be invisible and had become porn and was therefore evil. Not because of anything I had done, but because a man had chosen to acknowledge my presence in an inappropriate manner. Teenage years are hard enough for girls without putting these extra burdens on them. There was essentially no win for me because I was only judging my self worth by what boys thought of me, and there was no room for them to think anything good.  I was either ugly or I was porn.  My interpretation of the teachings I received about modesty allowed for nothing else.  I was taught no other ideas with which I could decide my own philosophy about modesty.  There was no middle ground in which I could be acknowledged to have beauty without being an evil temptress.  Our girls deserve so much better than this.

(If you get squeamish about women's monthly cyclical nature you might want to skip this paragraph.)  So as a teenager I put tons of emotional energy into fighting my own womanhood.  This negative energy manifested in debilitating cramps every month throughout my period, and sometimes being sick too.  My mother was so awkward too, that I had no clue what was going on with my body.  It took a good couple years before I even connected the two events (my periods, and the debilitating cramps that accompanied them).  I thought I would just lay an egg roughly the diameter of a hair. I hadn't a clue why I was bleeding and cramping, it was just a topic we weren't to talk about.  Now I've embraced my womanhood and the four babies I've miraculously brought into this world and then nourished with sustenance created by my own body, and remarkably enough my periods are very mild in nature now.  I'm still working on healing and validating my feminine side, but I'm far better off than I was before I had children.  I actually know now what is happening with my body and I work with it rather than against it. By teaching girls that womanhood is shameful we cause the majority of problems girls have as they grow and develop into women.  Instead I think girls wouldn't have such hard periods if we taught them that womanhood is a beautiful, wonderful, and miraculous thing that should be celebrated.

The messages we tell our sons and daughters matter very much.  Our sons and daughters are responsible for their own thoughts and actions, and teaching them that girls are porn if not dressed properly is an abusive lie with all kinds of damages it can do to the minds, hearts, and bodies of our boys and girls as they try to navigate their already difficult transition to adulthood.  By teaching the boys that girls are porn we teach them to have anger and resentment toward every girl who they think is not sufficiently covered to prevent an improper thought. Instead we should teach them to control their thoughts and to treat women respectfully regardless of what they are wearing. (demonstrated here) We have been teaching them to judge women based on their appearances, and not their character.  Our emphasis on appearance is in complete contradiction with scripture.  For more about that I recommend this post.  If we flipped this over and said this about men it would sound ridiculous as demonstrated by this brilliant satire.  Christ taught, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Mathew 5:28).  It is the responsibility of each person to control their own thoughts, and there is a definite difference between appretiating beauty or attractiveness, and lusting after someone.  Perhaps if we taught this difference more instead of being so focused on woman=porn maybe boys could look at a woman without thinking about porn.  We condition them to think this way by focusing so much on the negative and not giving any teaching on how they SHOULD look at a woman.  Let's teach our boys how to look at a woman as a daughter of Heavenly Parents who made her beautiful just the way she is.

American culture has become a culture of shame, and that's what needs to stop. We shame women for being attractive, we shame men for looking at them, we shame drug addicts for having an addiction, we shame parents for making informed choices about their children instead of blindly following experts. There isn't anyone void of the shame American culture tries to put on them. Why can't we all just leave it behind and love one another as people? For claiming to be Christian we sure lack the love He preached.  A woman should be able to be beautiful without being objectified or slut-shamed.  A man should be able to look at her as a person and give an appropriate, respectful compliment without her fearing sexual assault.  We need to learn as a people to treat each other as people. Girls and women are not porn, they are human beings, and should be loved and respected as such.  To teach that they become porn when not dressed properly dehumanizes and objectifies them, and is no where near what Christ taught or what is in scripture.  If our goal as Christians is to be like Him and follow His example then we need to let go of the focus on outward appearances and start looking into each other's hearts, but since we lack the divine ability to know someone's heart immediately upon looking at them, this would involve talking to one another and actually getting to know one another's hearts, and withholding judgment about their current character until we have.  May we all increase in love toward one another as we seek a better way, even His way.  I love you.  I hope my experience can help others heal from this abuse.  Good luck and may God be with you on your healing journey too.

"Man looketh on the outward appearances but the Lord looketh on the heart."

So last night I was having a great conversation with my husband.  We ended up talking about how within the LDS church we've made extensive lists of things to do and things not to do and as long as you follow the lists you'll be fine. So at some point during our conversation last night my husband had his epiphany and this is the analogy he came up with - Checklists are just a giant empty box!  They're so huge, and they look so important, but there's nothing at all inside.  They are completely empty unless you're one of the few who figures out how to put something into them.  They're the size of our driveway, and they're black.  They demand our attention and declare themselves to be so important, but they give you nothing.  And I just couldn't agree more!  Yes!  He gets it!

I had tried to explain this to him before, talking about the Pharisees in the Bible, and how we have become a Pharisaical people.  But he's unfamiliar with New Testament scripture, and the analogy was meaningless to him.  I often forget just how different the homes we grew up in really were.  His family read scriptures to check them off a to do list.  There was never really any discussion or teaching involved.  In my home we had gospel discussions all the time.  Some how I was able to see beyond the checklist to the heart and what our heart should be.  Jesus hated the checklists of the Pharisees.  He just wanted people to understand to love one another.  So much is solved with that alone.  We don't do nearly enough teaching about where our heart should be and how to really gain true Charity the pure love of Christ.

My husband came to the conclusion that this was why he fell away from the church during his early adult life.  The list was empty and he never managed to see beyond it to what God really wanted in his heart.  It was just a matter of being too busy doing stuff to do bad stuff.  So when he just didn't really feel like it anymore, and he saw no real purpose in any of it, he went off to do other stuff. 

This is why Christ focused so much more on the heart.  "If you give a gift grudgingly it is counted as if you had retained it."  "When you pray use not vein repetitions to be heard for your much speaking."  "The widow giving her mite gives more that the wealthy with all their tens of thousands."  Why?  Because the widow was giving not just money, she was giving her heart.  The wealthy were just giving their easily disposable income to be seen and praised by others.  They were not giving their heart only a few actions on their checklist to heaven.  People who use vein repetitions in their prayers aren't even really praying.  They are going through the motions, but their heart is looking sideways to see who of their fellow men is impressed by their prayer.  Their heart is not connecting to God the way prayer is supposed to help it do.

So here's the thing. The giant black demanding checklist box doesn't have heaven inside, it has emptiness.  Emptiness is all you can gain by focusing on the checklist outside you.  But when you stop looking at the checklist and look up to God, and then He directs your attention inward.  You would be surprised to learn how many things on the list He really doesn't care about.  It's a man-made list.  He didn't build the box, we did.  He wants our heart.  He wants our love.  He wants us to love each other.  And it breaks His heart when we are so focused on our outward appearances that we neglect to see that the whole time we were so focused on the list Satan had a heyday wreaking havoc in our hearts, and we didn't even notice.  Then we realize one day that we are no where near the narrow path we thought we were on, and we look back at our tracks to see where we came off it, and we realize we were never on it in the first place.  God looks on the inward parts of us, at our mind and heart and desires, and until those parts are cleansed and united with God EVERYTHING on your list is MEANINGLESS and will not save you in the least. 

So I ask, "Have ye felt this mighty change of heart?  And if so do ye feel so now?"  We each have the choice to repent and not just change what checklist we are using each day, but actually have a real change in our hearts as we choose to devote them to the God who is eagerly waiting to embrace us.  He and She and their Son are waiting to embrace you.  Come unto Them.  May you have a beautiful reunion with Them.  They love you so much!

"Love thy neighbor as thyself..."

Some time ago, my husband went to bed early, and I had time to myself in the evening.  I finished reading a chapter from the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.  It talked about love and the power love has to heal and to cast off fear.  And so loving oneself is important to being able to heal.  Also loving the situation you are in so you will be open to learning what you need to to be able to grow and improve your situation.  The book obviously expresses it better and more extensively.
I was very inspired, and decided to meditate to open my chakras and pray before bed. I was almost immediately able to feel the energy flowing through me.  I still went through each chakra. It was the most relaxing and rejuvenating evening I'd had for a while, and it reminded me how good it feels to really take time for myself.

 Now I'm much further in the book and have seen the power of the healing tool it gives you.  I remember while going to therapy for depression it seemed no matter how many times I told myself I loved myself I just couldn't seem to get myself to FEEL it.  All positive affirmations just felt like lies to me.  They did nothing.  I could think I matter and my needs matter, but however hard I tried it seemed my feelings just didn't believe me.  It took years of therapy to convince myself that my needs do matter, though I still thought they didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  Now it's been a good couple weeks since I first used the tool to teach myself to love myself, and to believe that I and my needs matter.  The changes have been subtle (likely because I had already been working on these things for years.) but I take the time drink water when I'm thirsty, I remember to take my vitamins, I've started eating fruits and vegetables again and I've managed to create a healthier balance between caring for and meeting the needs of my family, and meeting my own needs.  So far it has been better than the ways therapy worked.  I would discover a problem and it would take the next 6 months to a year to try to work through it, white-knuckling it and trying to just tell myself to feel better already, just to relapse again with the next fluctuation in my hormones. This feels like the real healing I'd been seeking all that time.

As always good luck on your journey.  I can't recommend this book enough.  It has been a total game changer for me, and for others I've used it to help as well.  More than anything we need more people to love themselves so they can better feel God's love and extend it to others.  We are to love our neighbor as our self, but are a society of people who don't even love ourselves.  As we learn to love ourselves our capacity to love other greatly increases.  As we each choose to heal ourselves we then will be able to heal our communities, states, and countries.  The answer to all the problems in politics isn't in who we elect.  (When I see a candidate actually sincerely love people I might start to care about politics again.)  It starts within ourselves.  Love yourself, then turn around and love your neighbor, and when you do you won't be able to help but want to help him out.  This is how God works.  Let us start within ourselves first.

"The Lord maketh no such things known unto us..."

How many of us go to class studying the Book of Mormon, and we talk about how great Nephi is, and how bad Laman and Lemuel are, but then when it comes to having the faith that we can have visions just as Nephi did we hear things like, "But most of us just get a feeling in our heart."  Or even this quote from a general authority which was then quoted by other general authorities stating:  "[We] should [bear] in mind that some of the General Authorities have had assigned to them a special calling; they possess a special gift; they are sustained as prophets, seers, and revelators, which gives them a special spiritual endowment in connection with their teaching of the people. They have the right, the power, and authority to declare the mind and will of God to his people, subject to the over-all power and authority of the President of the Church. Others of the General Authorities are not given this special spiritual endowment and authority covering their teaching; they have a resulting limitation, and the resulting limitation upon their power and authority in teaching applies to every other officer and member of the Church, for none of them is spiritually endowed as a prophet, seer, and revelator. Furthermore, as just indicated, the President of the Church has a further and special spiritual endowment in this respect, for he is the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator for the whole Church."  In other words, "The Lord maketh such things known unto us (The First presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles), but ye need not inquire of the Lord for He maketh no such things known unto you. Now sit down, be quiet, and follow the damn prophet!  oops, I mean our beloved prophet."  We hear this sort of thing so much that even when we try to shake off the chains of unbelief we still fall into this trap on a subconscious level.  Only the church's elite are allowed to receive revelation and if you think you did then you are obviously getting it from the wrong source.  At least this is what they want us to think.  But who are we to tell God who he can and can't give certain spiritual gifts to?  If God wants to He can call and make anyone worthy a prophet, or seer, or revelator.  Does being sustained automatically give you those gifts?  No, it only gives you the responsibility to seek them out.

We hear this idea so often that we start to believe it.  It's most typical form is the admonition to follow the prophet instead of following the Spirit and the direct revelation we can receive from God for ourselves.  I remember a time when being taught to confirm the truth of things taught was a normal occurrence.  Now that seems to have faded from our teaching with a huge emphasis on following the prophet replacing it.  As I've been trying to increase my relationship with God, and remove all the unbelief I thought this was the first thing to go.  It has to go to make room for the belief in personal revelation.  But as I was discussing with some friends a frustration I have about not knowing what to do with my Sundays as a family to make it a better day of worship, one person talked about having the Lord guide what we should do.  And the first thought that came to my mind was that the Lord wouldn't tell me, and that I couldn't get the guidance I wanted from Him.  Then I had a huge epiphany.  "Oh my goodness!  I am Laman and Lemuel!  I've had this idea drilled into me so much I've come to believe like they did that, 'The Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.' (1 Nephi 15:9)"  When reading the scriptures it becomes clear that the reason God didn't talk to Laman and Lemuel is because they never humbled themselves to ask.  Each of Lehi's sons could have had Nephi's vision for themselves but Nephi was the only one who asked for it. 

For every step forward I make I have to fight off an old paradigm that has kept me in spiritual bondage and has been inhibiting my progress.  This deeply ingrained belief that the most God will ever guide me is through vague feelings and never a more direct revelation has held me back on many occasions.  Everyone has every right to receive revelation and in ways that are more than just feelings. Anyone who tells you they are between you and the Lord is seeking to put you into spiritual bondage under them.  If God is the leader let us each be led directly by Him!  The ONLY middle man in your salvation is the Lord Jesus Christ himself.  He is the middle man because He did the work.  He paid for your sins after He lived a perfect life.  And praise be to the Father for sending Him.  We each have a spiritual mission in this life to fulfill, and if we continue to believe that we can't get our own revelation for our own life we will never come to a place that God can teach us what it is and how to fulfill it.  Now awake and arise from the dust.  Shake off the chains which have you bound.  Fear not but be believing.  Whatever heartaches you have to bare will bring you that much closer to the Savior who carried the ultimate heartache, even the sins of the world.  And He will be your comfort as you bare yours.