"Whoso is looked upon to be lusted after....no wait...That's not right...

I've recently discovered some things about my past, and beliefs about myself that caused physical problems as I was growing from a girl to a woman.  There are some things that are fundamentally wrong about the way the church I grew up in taught modesty. (For example the end of this.) I was taught modesty to such a standard that if a boy or man looked at me and was aroused I was pornography, and it caused serious psychological, and emotional damage.

When men put the blame for their thoughts on women the message it sends us is that our very identity as women is something to be ashamed of. For me growing up it meant guys couldn't be trusted.  If I was the one responsible to keep their thoughts pure clearly they had no self-control.  As I began growing into a woman I grew my hair long and always wore it down to try to hide my developing chest behind it. I was often distracted by my own endeavors to NOT be porn. I felt that growing from a girl to a woman was something to fear and be ashamed of. Then all the while thinking I must be exceptionally ugly because I never went on any dates. This is what these ideas do to women. It teaches them that they need to hide who they are and can't even embrace the shape their body takes (which they don't even have control over) because our shape is evil and turns us into porn if a man chooses to look at us wrong. If guys have a right to not be distracted by girls, shouldn't girls also have a right to not be distracted by whether or not they have sufficiently concealed their identity as growing women? (I ask this more rhetorically.  Really neither is a right, both are a choice.)  Men have no idea how hurtful and damaging this mentality and message really is. The rare occurrence that I might receive a cat call meant I had failed in my attempts to be invisible and had become porn and was therefore evil. Not because of anything I had done, but because a man had chosen to acknowledge my presence in an inappropriate manner. Teenage years are hard enough for girls without putting these extra burdens on them. There was essentially no win for me because I was only judging my self worth by what boys thought of me, and there was no room for them to think anything good.  I was either ugly or I was porn.  My interpretation of the teachings I received about modesty allowed for nothing else.  I was taught no other ideas with which I could decide my own philosophy about modesty.  There was no middle ground in which I could be acknowledged to have beauty without being an evil temptress.  Our girls deserve so much better than this.

(If you get squeamish about women's monthly cyclical nature you might want to skip this paragraph.)  So as a teenager I put tons of emotional energy into fighting my own womanhood.  This negative energy manifested in debilitating cramps every month throughout my period, and sometimes being sick too.  My mother was so awkward too, that I had no clue what was going on with my body.  It took a good couple years before I even connected the two events (my periods, and the debilitating cramps that accompanied them).  I thought I would just lay an egg roughly the diameter of a hair. I hadn't a clue why I was bleeding and cramping, it was just a topic we weren't to talk about.  Now I've embraced my womanhood and the four babies I've miraculously brought into this world and then nourished with sustenance created by my own body, and remarkably enough my periods are very mild in nature now.  I'm still working on healing and validating my feminine side, but I'm far better off than I was before I had children.  I actually know now what is happening with my body and I work with it rather than against it. By teaching girls that womanhood is shameful we cause the majority of problems girls have as they grow and develop into women.  Instead I think girls wouldn't have such hard periods if we taught them that womanhood is a beautiful, wonderful, and miraculous thing that should be celebrated.

The messages we tell our sons and daughters matter very much.  Our sons and daughters are responsible for their own thoughts and actions, and teaching them that girls are porn if not dressed properly is an abusive lie with all kinds of damages it can do to the minds, hearts, and bodies of our boys and girls as they try to navigate their already difficult transition to adulthood.  By teaching the boys that girls are porn we teach them to have anger and resentment toward every girl who they think is not sufficiently covered to prevent an improper thought. Instead we should teach them to control their thoughts and to treat women respectfully regardless of what they are wearing. (demonstrated here) We have been teaching them to judge women based on their appearances, and not their character.  Our emphasis on appearance is in complete contradiction with scripture.  For more about that I recommend this post.  If we flipped this over and said this about men it would sound ridiculous as demonstrated by this brilliant satire.  Christ taught, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Mathew 5:28).  It is the responsibility of each person to control their own thoughts, and there is a definite difference between appretiating beauty or attractiveness, and lusting after someone.  Perhaps if we taught this difference more instead of being so focused on woman=porn maybe boys could look at a woman without thinking about porn.  We condition them to think this way by focusing so much on the negative and not giving any teaching on how they SHOULD look at a woman.  Let's teach our boys how to look at a woman as a daughter of Heavenly Parents who made her beautiful just the way she is.

American culture has become a culture of shame, and that's what needs to stop. We shame women for being attractive, we shame men for looking at them, we shame drug addicts for having an addiction, we shame parents for making informed choices about their children instead of blindly following experts. There isn't anyone void of the shame American culture tries to put on them. Why can't we all just leave it behind and love one another as people? For claiming to be Christian we sure lack the love He preached.  A woman should be able to be beautiful without being objectified or slut-shamed.  A man should be able to look at her as a person and give an appropriate, respectful compliment without her fearing sexual assault.  We need to learn as a people to treat each other as people. Girls and women are not porn, they are human beings, and should be loved and respected as such.  To teach that they become porn when not dressed properly dehumanizes and objectifies them, and is no where near what Christ taught or what is in scripture.  If our goal as Christians is to be like Him and follow His example then we need to let go of the focus on outward appearances and start looking into each other's hearts, but since we lack the divine ability to know someone's heart immediately upon looking at them, this would involve talking to one another and actually getting to know one another's hearts, and withholding judgment about their current character until we have.  May we all increase in love toward one another as we seek a better way, even His way.  I love you.  I hope my experience can help others heal from this abuse.  Good luck and may God be with you on your healing journey too.

"Man looketh on the outward appearances but the Lord looketh on the heart."

So last night I was having a great conversation with my husband.  We ended up talking about how within the LDS church we've made extensive lists of things to do and things not to do and as long as you follow the lists you'll be fine. So at some point during our conversation last night my husband had his epiphany and this is the analogy he came up with - Checklists are just a giant empty box!  They're so huge, and they look so important, but there's nothing at all inside.  They are completely empty unless you're one of the few who figures out how to put something into them.  They're the size of our driveway, and they're black.  They demand our attention and declare themselves to be so important, but they give you nothing.  And I just couldn't agree more!  Yes!  He gets it!

I had tried to explain this to him before, talking about the Pharisees in the Bible, and how we have become a Pharisaical people.  But he's unfamiliar with New Testament scripture, and the analogy was meaningless to him.  I often forget just how different the homes we grew up in really were.  His family read scriptures to check them off a to do list.  There was never really any discussion or teaching involved.  In my home we had gospel discussions all the time.  Some how I was able to see beyond the checklist to the heart and what our heart should be.  Jesus hated the checklists of the Pharisees.  He just wanted people to understand to love one another.  So much is solved with that alone.  We don't do nearly enough teaching about where our heart should be and how to really gain true Charity the pure love of Christ.

My husband came to the conclusion that this was why he fell away from the church during his early adult life.  The list was empty and he never managed to see beyond it to what God really wanted in his heart.  It was just a matter of being too busy doing stuff to do bad stuff.  So when he just didn't really feel like it anymore, and he saw no real purpose in any of it, he went off to do other stuff. 

This is why Christ focused so much more on the heart.  "If you give a gift grudgingly it is counted as if you had retained it."  "When you pray use not vein repetitions to be heard for your much speaking."  "The widow giving her mite gives more that the wealthy with all their tens of thousands."  Why?  Because the widow was giving not just money, she was giving her heart.  The wealthy were just giving their easily disposable income to be seen and praised by others.  They were not giving their heart only a few actions on their checklist to heaven.  People who use vein repetitions in their prayers aren't even really praying.  They are going through the motions, but their heart is looking sideways to see who of their fellow men is impressed by their prayer.  Their heart is not connecting to God the way prayer is supposed to help it do.

So here's the thing. The giant black demanding checklist box doesn't have heaven inside, it has emptiness.  Emptiness is all you can gain by focusing on the checklist outside you.  But when you stop looking at the checklist and look up to God, and then He directs your attention inward.  You would be surprised to learn how many things on the list He really doesn't care about.  It's a man-made list.  He didn't build the box, we did.  He wants our heart.  He wants our love.  He wants us to love each other.  And it breaks His heart when we are so focused on our outward appearances that we neglect to see that the whole time we were so focused on the list Satan had a heyday wreaking havoc in our hearts, and we didn't even notice.  Then we realize one day that we are no where near the narrow path we thought we were on, and we look back at our tracks to see where we came off it, and we realize we were never on it in the first place.  God looks on the inward parts of us, at our mind and heart and desires, and until those parts are cleansed and united with God EVERYTHING on your list is MEANINGLESS and will not save you in the least. 

So I ask, "Have ye felt this mighty change of heart?  And if so do ye feel so now?"  We each have the choice to repent and not just change what checklist we are using each day, but actually have a real change in our hearts as we choose to devote them to the God who is eagerly waiting to embrace us.  He and She and their Son are waiting to embrace you.  Come unto Them.  May you have a beautiful reunion with Them.  They love you so much!