"Man looketh on the outward appearances but the Lord looketh on the heart."

So last night I was having a great conversation with my husband.  We ended up talking about how within the LDS church we've made extensive lists of things to do and things not to do and as long as you follow the lists you'll be fine. So at some point during our conversation last night my husband had his epiphany and this is the analogy he came up with - Checklists are just a giant empty box!  They're so huge, and they look so important, but there's nothing at all inside.  They are completely empty unless you're one of the few who figures out how to put something into them.  They're the size of our driveway, and they're black.  They demand our attention and declare themselves to be so important, but they give you nothing.  And I just couldn't agree more!  Yes!  He gets it!

I had tried to explain this to him before, talking about the Pharisees in the Bible, and how we have become a Pharisaical people.  But he's unfamiliar with New Testament scripture, and the analogy was meaningless to him.  I often forget just how different the homes we grew up in really were.  His family read scriptures to check them off a to do list.  There was never really any discussion or teaching involved.  In my home we had gospel discussions all the time.  Some how I was able to see beyond the checklist to the heart and what our heart should be.  Jesus hated the checklists of the Pharisees.  He just wanted people to understand to love one another.  So much is solved with that alone.  We don't do nearly enough teaching about where our heart should be and how to really gain true Charity the pure love of Christ.

My husband came to the conclusion that this was why he fell away from the church during his early adult life.  The list was empty and he never managed to see beyond it to what God really wanted in his heart.  It was just a matter of being too busy doing stuff to do bad stuff.  So when he just didn't really feel like it anymore, and he saw no real purpose in any of it, he went off to do other stuff. 

This is why Christ focused so much more on the heart.  "If you give a gift grudgingly it is counted as if you had retained it."  "When you pray use not vein repetitions to be heard for your much speaking."  "The widow giving her mite gives more that the wealthy with all their tens of thousands."  Why?  Because the widow was giving not just money, she was giving her heart.  The wealthy were just giving their easily disposable income to be seen and praised by others.  They were not giving their heart only a few actions on their checklist to heaven.  People who use vein repetitions in their prayers aren't even really praying.  They are going through the motions, but their heart is looking sideways to see who of their fellow men is impressed by their prayer.  Their heart is not connecting to God the way prayer is supposed to help it do.

So here's the thing. The giant black demanding checklist box doesn't have heaven inside, it has emptiness.  Emptiness is all you can gain by focusing on the checklist outside you.  But when you stop looking at the checklist and look up to God, and then He directs your attention inward.  You would be surprised to learn how many things on the list He really doesn't care about.  It's a man-made list.  He didn't build the box, we did.  He wants our heart.  He wants our love.  He wants us to love each other.  And it breaks His heart when we are so focused on our outward appearances that we neglect to see that the whole time we were so focused on the list Satan had a heyday wreaking havoc in our hearts, and we didn't even notice.  Then we realize one day that we are no where near the narrow path we thought we were on, and we look back at our tracks to see where we came off it, and we realize we were never on it in the first place.  God looks on the inward parts of us, at our mind and heart and desires, and until those parts are cleansed and united with God EVERYTHING on your list is MEANINGLESS and will not save you in the least. 

So I ask, "Have ye felt this mighty change of heart?  And if so do ye feel so now?"  We each have the choice to repent and not just change what checklist we are using each day, but actually have a real change in our hearts as we choose to devote them to the God who is eagerly waiting to embrace us.  He and She and their Son are waiting to embrace you.  Come unto Them.  May you have a beautiful reunion with Them.  They love you so much!

"Love thy neighbor as thyself..."

Some time ago, my husband went to bed early, and I had time to myself in the evening.  I finished reading a chapter from the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.  It talked about love and the power love has to heal and to cast off fear.  And so loving oneself is important to being able to heal.  Also loving the situation you are in so you will be open to learning what you need to to be able to grow and improve your situation.  The book obviously expresses it better and more extensively.
I was very inspired, and decided to meditate to open my chakras and pray before bed. I was almost immediately able to feel the energy flowing through me.  I still went through each chakra. It was the most relaxing and rejuvenating evening I'd had for a while, and it reminded me how good it feels to really take time for myself.

 Now I'm much further in the book and have seen the power of the healing tool it gives you.  I remember while going to therapy for depression it seemed no matter how many times I told myself I loved myself I just couldn't seem to get myself to FEEL it.  All positive affirmations just felt like lies to me.  They did nothing.  I could think I matter and my needs matter, but however hard I tried it seemed my feelings just didn't believe me.  It took years of therapy to convince myself that my needs do matter, though I still thought they didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  Now it's been a good couple weeks since I first used the tool to teach myself to love myself, and to believe that I and my needs matter.  The changes have been subtle (likely because I had already been working on these things for years.) but I take the time drink water when I'm thirsty, I remember to take my vitamins, I've started eating fruits and vegetables again and I've managed to create a healthier balance between caring for and meeting the needs of my family, and meeting my own needs.  So far it has been better than the ways therapy worked.  I would discover a problem and it would take the next 6 months to a year to try to work through it, white-knuckling it and trying to just tell myself to feel better already, just to relapse again with the next fluctuation in my hormones. This feels like the real healing I'd been seeking all that time.

As always good luck on your journey.  I can't recommend this book enough.  It has been a total game changer for me, and for others I've used it to help as well.  More than anything we need more people to love themselves so they can better feel God's love and extend it to others.  We are to love our neighbor as our self, but are a society of people who don't even love ourselves.  As we learn to love ourselves our capacity to love other greatly increases.  As we each choose to heal ourselves we then will be able to heal our communities, states, and countries.  The answer to all the problems in politics isn't in who we elect.  (When I see a candidate actually sincerely love people I might start to care about politics again.)  It starts within ourselves.  Love yourself, then turn around and love your neighbor, and when you do you won't be able to help but want to help him out.  This is how God works.  Let us start within ourselves first.

"The Lord maketh no such things known unto us..."

How many of us go to class studying the Book of Mormon, and we talk about how great Nephi is, and how bad Laman and Lemuel are, but then when it comes to having the faith that we can have visions just as Nephi did we hear things like, "But most of us just get a feeling in our heart."  Or even this quote from a general authority which was then quoted by other general authorities stating:  "[We] should [bear] in mind that some of the General Authorities have had assigned to them a special calling; they possess a special gift; they are sustained as prophets, seers, and revelators, which gives them a special spiritual endowment in connection with their teaching of the people. They have the right, the power, and authority to declare the mind and will of God to his people, subject to the over-all power and authority of the President of the Church. Others of the General Authorities are not given this special spiritual endowment and authority covering their teaching; they have a resulting limitation, and the resulting limitation upon their power and authority in teaching applies to every other officer and member of the Church, for none of them is spiritually endowed as a prophet, seer, and revelator. Furthermore, as just indicated, the President of the Church has a further and special spiritual endowment in this respect, for he is the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator for the whole Church."  In other words, "The Lord maketh such things known unto us (The First presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles), but ye need not inquire of the Lord for He maketh no such things known unto you. Now sit down, be quiet, and follow the damn prophet!  oops, I mean our beloved prophet."  We hear this sort of thing so much that even when we try to shake off the chains of unbelief we still fall into this trap on a subconscious level.  Only the church's elite are allowed to receive revelation and if you think you did then you are obviously getting it from the wrong source.  At least this is what they want us to think.  But who are we to tell God who he can and can't give certain spiritual gifts to?  If God wants to He can call and make anyone worthy a prophet, or seer, or revelator.  Does being sustained automatically give you those gifts?  No, it only gives you the responsibility to seek them out.

We hear this idea so often that we start to believe it.  It's most typical form is the admonition to follow the prophet instead of following the Spirit and the direct revelation we can receive from God for ourselves.  I remember a time when being taught to confirm the truth of things taught was a normal occurrence.  Now that seems to have faded from our teaching with a huge emphasis on following the prophet replacing it.  As I've been trying to increase my relationship with God, and remove all the unbelief I thought this was the first thing to go.  It has to go to make room for the belief in personal revelation.  But as I was discussing with some friends a frustration I have about not knowing what to do with my Sundays as a family to make it a better day of worship, one person talked about having the Lord guide what we should do.  And the first thought that came to my mind was that the Lord wouldn't tell me, and that I couldn't get the guidance I wanted from Him.  Then I had a huge epiphany.  "Oh my goodness!  I am Laman and Lemuel!  I've had this idea drilled into me so much I've come to believe like they did that, 'The Lord maketh no such thing known unto us.' (1 Nephi 15:9)"  When reading the scriptures it becomes clear that the reason God didn't talk to Laman and Lemuel is because they never humbled themselves to ask.  Each of Lehi's sons could have had Nephi's vision for themselves but Nephi was the only one who asked for it. 

For every step forward I make I have to fight off an old paradigm that has kept me in spiritual bondage and has been inhibiting my progress.  This deeply ingrained belief that the most God will ever guide me is through vague feelings and never a more direct revelation has held me back on many occasions.  Everyone has every right to receive revelation and in ways that are more than just feelings. Anyone who tells you they are between you and the Lord is seeking to put you into spiritual bondage under them.  If God is the leader let us each be led directly by Him!  The ONLY middle man in your salvation is the Lord Jesus Christ himself.  He is the middle man because He did the work.  He paid for your sins after He lived a perfect life.  And praise be to the Father for sending Him.  We each have a spiritual mission in this life to fulfill, and if we continue to believe that we can't get our own revelation for our own life we will never come to a place that God can teach us what it is and how to fulfill it.  Now awake and arise from the dust.  Shake off the chains which have you bound.  Fear not but be believing.  Whatever heartaches you have to bare will bring you that much closer to the Savior who carried the ultimate heartache, even the sins of the world.  And He will be your comfort as you bare yours.

"Be not children in understanding..."

Last night I went shopping and brought along my oldest (4) son. When we were in the parking lot at the first store we went to he saw the full moon and got very excited pointed at it saying "Mom, mom, the moon, moon!"
"Yes, sweetie, it's a full moon tonight."
At the next store he saw it again and exclaimed, "Mom, mom, another moon! Two moons, mom!" I explained it was the same moon and we could just see it from another location, but he was sure he was right, "No mom, two moons!"

How often do we think we are right when we might not be?  From our observations and limited understanding the conclusion we come to seems the only one that could be true.  It has to be right.  It makes so much sense.  Of course there's two moons.  I saw one and it was in one place, and now I see another in a totally different place.  It must be another moon.  There's just no other logical explanation!  (At least none that a four-year-old can understand.)  But if when he gets older he never allows me to teach him differently there are many other things he will also lack understanding about, because one false conclusion will lead to many others.  Now, as a parent I'm not too worried about this.  As his brain develops he will be capable of understanding different concepts than he can now.  I expect he will give up the idea that there are two moons long before he enrolls in a college astronomy class.  For all I know he will forget the idea completely by the end of the week.

Sometimes when it comes to the gospel we seem to be satisfied with the understanding of a child, and have quit seeking after the mysteries of God.  We're perfectly satisfied thinking there are two moons, and how dare God try to tell us otherwise.  The apostle Paul wrote, "Brethren, be not children in understanding, howbeit, in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men." (1Cor. 14:20)  How do we gain greater understanding than that of a child?  First we must be willing to put aside foolish or childish notions when presented with new knowledge.  We must be humble enough to admit when we are wrong, and be willing to follow a different path when we learn a better way.  And then be willing to do it yet again, and again, as we come to better and better understandings of God's truths.  Sometimes we have to be patient while walking a new path for the understanding to come as to why we are on this new path.  God might give us a new instruction and we might have to follow it for some time before he enlightens our minds with the understanding we are seeking.  But He will give it to us when we are ready.  We have to trust in His promises that He will teach us here a little and there a little.  This means that we must live in such a way that we are preparing to receive greater understanding.  If we are given a new instruction and do not follow it we show God that we are satisfied with our childish understanding and don't want the further light and knowledge He has to offer us.  The more we follow God the more He will continue to teach us.

The decision to think we know enough is the most dangerous decision we can make in this life.  That is when we will start to lose even that which we have.  Repentance is ultimately when we choose to soften our heart and say to God, "I'm sorry I've been dwindling and stagnating.  Please give me strength to change and teach me more about Thy kingdom."

In the pursuit of understanding a personal revelation journal is key.  The first place to seek more knowledge is in the scriptures.  Are we reading them to check them off a to do list, or do we come to them with a question, search out the topic we need particular growth in, and pray and ponder on it as we read so we can be inspired as to what to change in that aspect of our life?  Another way to seek knowledge and understanding is through prayer.  Our prayers need to be real two way communication with God.  Ask Him a question and wait for the answer.  Write the answer in your journal even while you are still in the act of praying.  Prayer doesn't always have to be kneeling with eyes shut and arms folded.  That is what we teach our children so they will stop poking each other and making faces.  If we as adults still have to do this just to focus on our prayer then we've not grown beyond a child's understanding of prayer, and will consequently never get much more than a child's answers.  You can walk, and write and still be in the act of praying, and it becomes a powerful tool when used together with a revelation journal.  Prayer and scripture study might be typical answers but they don't have to be done the typical way.  Do what feels right for you and your journey.

As always, I love you.  These are the things that have helped me in my journey, and I hope they will help you in yours.  Let us all progress beyond a child's understanding as we seek a real relationship with our Savior, and Redeemer.

"Thy faith hath made thee whole..."

I had the most amazing day yesterday.  I had felt my progress stop some time ago, which is why I haven't written for a while.  There just wasn't anything worth writing about. I was stagnating and I hated it.  Well, I was finally able to afford an online class for empaths, and it's a three part class and I was so hungry for knowledge I listened to the whole first section yesterday.  After my kids went to bed I filled my time with prayer and meditation and some journal writing.  It was the most wonderful evening I've had for some time.  I had been in a state that I wanted so much to help others I was impatient with my own progress and as a result my progress stopped.  I just wanted to get my stuff over with so I could hurry up and help others already.  Now I'm willing to be more patient with myself and take all the time I need for my own healing and personal growth.  I am my only responsibility.  Other people are responsible for themselves.  I can only control myself and my own progress.  I can give advice, or tell people things that have helped me but they must then make their own choice to use it to improve themselves.

I talked to my mother who has been afraid to embrace positive qualities and light because my dad is rather negative, and she'd heard that as you embrace positive qualities negative people kind of just leave your life, and you become surrounded by other similarly positive people.  She feared her husband leaving if she decides to embrace positive feelings and thoughts.  I reminded her that love is the most positive energy of all and as long as there is love in her marriage he will choose to embrace light with her rather than leave so he can stay negative.  Our own well being shouldn't be put on hold because we fear losing someone we love who is not necessarily on the same path.  Our paths do not have to be identicle just to have a good marriage, but it helps if they are going in the same general direction.

My husband got home late after a very stressful day at work.  His shoulders were tight and in pain.  He had worked 4 hours on just one sale.  He made mistakes and had to redo things.  He had about everything go wrong that could except for having very patient customers through the process.  I gave him a massage and talked to him about first releasing his stress each time he exhaled.  Then we talked about everything about the experience that he could feel gratitude for.  The customers were patient.  He now knows everything about selling that particular product having done and redone it several times to get it right.  He had had the choice to go home earlier but chose to stay to learn closing procedures, and the other lady working had other customers to help while he handled this complicated sale, and had he gone home she would have been there alone to deal with all of it herself.  (In the end he didn't get to learn closing procedures because the sale took till well after close.)  He earned some good commission we could certainly use.  When I was ready to go to bed he said it was more than just the massage that helped him, and his back and sholders felt completely better and relaxed.  All the pain was gone and he took no medications for it.

In the end I'm full of gratitude that I finally understand my role in healing others, and it is really one of guiding and empowering them with the ability to choose to heal themselves.  Which reminds me of stories of Christ in which He always said it was their faith that made them whole.  I'm begining to understand.  I really don't do anything.  My mother chose whether or not to embrace what I told her as truth or whether she wanted to continue in fear.  My husband chose whether he wanted to embrace stress or gratitude for what happened at work.  Ultimately it was their choice to heal themselves, and mine to heal me.  May God bless you on your journey of healing too.