"Whoso is looked upon to be lusted after....no wait...That's not right...

I've recently discovered some things about my past, and beliefs about myself that caused physical problems as I was growing from a girl to a woman.  There are some things that are fundamentally wrong about the way the church I grew up in taught modesty. (For example the end of this.) I was taught modesty to such a standard that if a boy or man looked at me and was aroused I was pornography, and it caused serious psychological, and emotional damage.

When men put the blame for their thoughts on women the message it sends us is that our very identity as women is something to be ashamed of. For me growing up it meant guys couldn't be trusted.  If I was the one responsible to keep their thoughts pure clearly they had no self-control.  As I began growing into a woman I grew my hair long and always wore it down to try to hide my developing chest behind it. I was often distracted by my own endeavors to NOT be porn. I felt that growing from a girl to a woman was something to fear and be ashamed of. Then all the while thinking I must be exceptionally ugly because I never went on any dates. This is what these ideas do to women. It teaches them that they need to hide who they are and can't even embrace the shape their body takes (which they don't even have control over) because our shape is evil and turns us into porn if a man chooses to look at us wrong. If guys have a right to not be distracted by girls, shouldn't girls also have a right to not be distracted by whether or not they have sufficiently concealed their identity as growing women? (I ask this more rhetorically.  Really neither is a right, both are a choice.)  Men have no idea how hurtful and damaging this mentality and message really is. The rare occurrence that I might receive a cat call meant I had failed in my attempts to be invisible and had become porn and was therefore evil. Not because of anything I had done, but because a man had chosen to acknowledge my presence in an inappropriate manner. Teenage years are hard enough for girls without putting these extra burdens on them. There was essentially no win for me because I was only judging my self worth by what boys thought of me, and there was no room for them to think anything good.  I was either ugly or I was porn.  My interpretation of the teachings I received about modesty allowed for nothing else.  I was taught no other ideas with which I could decide my own philosophy about modesty.  There was no middle ground in which I could be acknowledged to have beauty without being an evil temptress.  Our girls deserve so much better than this.

(If you get squeamish about women's monthly cyclical nature you might want to skip this paragraph.)  So as a teenager I put tons of emotional energy into fighting my own womanhood.  This negative energy manifested in debilitating cramps every month throughout my period, and sometimes being sick too.  My mother was so awkward too, that I had no clue what was going on with my body.  It took a good couple years before I even connected the two events (my periods, and the debilitating cramps that accompanied them).  I thought I would just lay an egg roughly the diameter of a hair. I hadn't a clue why I was bleeding and cramping, it was just a topic we weren't to talk about.  Now I've embraced my womanhood and the four babies I've miraculously brought into this world and then nourished with sustenance created by my own body, and remarkably enough my periods are very mild in nature now.  I'm still working on healing and validating my feminine side, but I'm far better off than I was before I had children.  I actually know now what is happening with my body and I work with it rather than against it. By teaching girls that womanhood is shameful we cause the majority of problems girls have as they grow and develop into women.  Instead I think girls wouldn't have such hard periods if we taught them that womanhood is a beautiful, wonderful, and miraculous thing that should be celebrated.

The messages we tell our sons and daughters matter very much.  Our sons and daughters are responsible for their own thoughts and actions, and teaching them that girls are porn if not dressed properly is an abusive lie with all kinds of damages it can do to the minds, hearts, and bodies of our boys and girls as they try to navigate their already difficult transition to adulthood.  By teaching the boys that girls are porn we teach them to have anger and resentment toward every girl who they think is not sufficiently covered to prevent an improper thought. Instead we should teach them to control their thoughts and to treat women respectfully regardless of what they are wearing. (demonstrated here) We have been teaching them to judge women based on their appearances, and not their character.  Our emphasis on appearance is in complete contradiction with scripture.  For more about that I recommend this post.  If we flipped this over and said this about men it would sound ridiculous as demonstrated by this brilliant satire.  Christ taught, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Mathew 5:28).  It is the responsibility of each person to control their own thoughts, and there is a definite difference between appretiating beauty or attractiveness, and lusting after someone.  Perhaps if we taught this difference more instead of being so focused on woman=porn maybe boys could look at a woman without thinking about porn.  We condition them to think this way by focusing so much on the negative and not giving any teaching on how they SHOULD look at a woman.  Let's teach our boys how to look at a woman as a daughter of Heavenly Parents who made her beautiful just the way she is.

American culture has become a culture of shame, and that's what needs to stop. We shame women for being attractive, we shame men for looking at them, we shame drug addicts for having an addiction, we shame parents for making informed choices about their children instead of blindly following experts. There isn't anyone void of the shame American culture tries to put on them. Why can't we all just leave it behind and love one another as people? For claiming to be Christian we sure lack the love He preached.  A woman should be able to be beautiful without being objectified or slut-shamed.  A man should be able to look at her as a person and give an appropriate, respectful compliment without her fearing sexual assault.  We need to learn as a people to treat each other as people. Girls and women are not porn, they are human beings, and should be loved and respected as such.  To teach that they become porn when not dressed properly dehumanizes and objectifies them, and is no where near what Christ taught or what is in scripture.  If our goal as Christians is to be like Him and follow His example then we need to let go of the focus on outward appearances and start looking into each other's hearts, but since we lack the divine ability to know someone's heart immediately upon looking at them, this would involve talking to one another and actually getting to know one another's hearts, and withholding judgment about their current character until we have.  May we all increase in love toward one another as we seek a better way, even His way.  I love you.  I hope my experience can help others heal from this abuse.  Good luck and may God be with you on your healing journey too.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself..."

Some time ago, my husband went to bed early, and I had time to myself in the evening.  I finished reading a chapter from the book Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.  It talked about love and the power love has to heal and to cast off fear.  And so loving oneself is important to being able to heal.  Also loving the situation you are in so you will be open to learning what you need to to be able to grow and improve your situation.  The book obviously expresses it better and more extensively.
I was very inspired, and decided to meditate to open my chakras and pray before bed. I was almost immediately able to feel the energy flowing through me.  I still went through each chakra. It was the most relaxing and rejuvenating evening I'd had for a while, and it reminded me how good it feels to really take time for myself.

 Now I'm much further in the book and have seen the power of the healing tool it gives you.  I remember while going to therapy for depression it seemed no matter how many times I told myself I loved myself I just couldn't seem to get myself to FEEL it.  All positive affirmations just felt like lies to me.  They did nothing.  I could think I matter and my needs matter, but however hard I tried it seemed my feelings just didn't believe me.  It took years of therapy to convince myself that my needs do matter, though I still thought they didn't matter as much as everyone else's.  Now it's been a good couple weeks since I first used the tool to teach myself to love myself, and to believe that I and my needs matter.  The changes have been subtle (likely because I had already been working on these things for years.) but I take the time drink water when I'm thirsty, I remember to take my vitamins, I've started eating fruits and vegetables again and I've managed to create a healthier balance between caring for and meeting the needs of my family, and meeting my own needs.  So far it has been better than the ways therapy worked.  I would discover a problem and it would take the next 6 months to a year to try to work through it, white-knuckling it and trying to just tell myself to feel better already, just to relapse again with the next fluctuation in my hormones. This feels like the real healing I'd been seeking all that time.

As always good luck on your journey.  I can't recommend this book enough.  It has been a total game changer for me, and for others I've used it to help as well.  More than anything we need more people to love themselves so they can better feel God's love and extend it to others.  We are to love our neighbor as our self, but are a society of people who don't even love ourselves.  As we learn to love ourselves our capacity to love other greatly increases.  As we each choose to heal ourselves we then will be able to heal our communities, states, and countries.  The answer to all the problems in politics isn't in who we elect.  (When I see a candidate actually sincerely love people I might start to care about politics again.)  It starts within ourselves.  Love yourself, then turn around and love your neighbor, and when you do you won't be able to help but want to help him out.  This is how God works.  Let us start within ourselves first.

"Verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual..."

Today my sister sent me a text asking me to pray for her. She had hurt her back.  She said she could not walk or sit up.  We'd talked about chakras before and after praying for her I sent her a text saying to clear her lower three chakras that are along her back.  After she texted back asking how to do that I decided to call her.  When I called to talk to her she said she had been very angry while doing something in her kitchen. There was a portal in her kitchen, and she twisted her back while reaching down to pick up a shoe of her kids had left on the floor.  As she picked it up she stepped in the portal, and strained her back.  The back pain started when she bent over.  She threw the shoe and then pushed it along the floor with her foot. Afterwards she thought stretching would help her back, so she did some pilates that made it worse.  She had been in so much pain she could not sleep, walk, or sit. Her husband had to take off work and she was lying in bed.

I talked to her about the event, what she had done since (she had gotten two preisthood blessings), and I talked to her about emotional and spiritual problems she was having.  She had closed the portals in her home, but there were more on her property she hadn't had enough energy to do.  She had cast out the associated spirits.  She wasn't angry at her child any more, but was angry at some people in her fellowship group because of problems within the group.  We talked a bit about the need for her to forgive and love them.  She pointed out that she could only control her side of the relationship.  I aknowledged this and emphaised the need for her to take control of her side.  I instructed her first in prayer asking God to help her let go of the anger, forgive, and then have Charity for these people in her life.  After the prayer I led her through a chakra healing meditation session, something I have never done before with anyone.  With each chakra I instructed her to release things I knew specific to her and her situation. When it was over she said she physically was in less pain. By the end of our session she was relaxed enough and the pain was lessened enough to sleep.  I wasn't sure I could actually help her.  I only hoped that I could.  When she told me how much better she felt I was so happy that I had been able to help her despite my huge lack of experience.

She found out later after seeing a chiropractor that she had a comptessed disk, and the associated pulled muscles, which he said is along the same level of pain as a broken rib.  She has gotten through this without going to the hospital or being on pain medication, by using the meditation I taught her.

May God bless you to find whatever healing you need.  If you don't have anyone you think you can ask for help feel free to contact me.

Old Memories and Triggers

Depression is something I've struggled with most of my life.  I went to counseling for depression for 2 years, then off and on (mostly off) over about 7 years since.  I haven't gone as much as I'd like to because finance is a huge hold up.  But now that I know I am an empath I would need to find a very specific type of counselor to help me manage my empathic nature.  I don't want drugs to numb the feelings, I want to learn how to cope and what to do to use this gift to bless the lives of others.

Sometime during those first 2 years of counseling, my mother told me that she didn't feel like her kids loved her and decided to not love us back. Now I realize that me being an empath I recognized, and internalized her lack of love in a way and on a level none of my siblings did.  I fared the worst.  I felt my mother's depression, and unlove, and didn't know the depression wasn't my own.  I felt all her fears and often didn't feel safe in my own home because I didn't understand the fear I felt.  Her choice to not love us resulted in my belief that I'm unlovable.  Now that I know some of it was the result my empathy picking up on her lack of love I need healing in a different way than I knew I did before.  Now I've learned that my mother is also an empath, but she sees it as a problem and hates it.  She being an empath, we both seem to amplify eachother's emotions whenever we're together as we endlessly reflect them back and forth like two mirrors facing eachother.  This will be something I need to be aware of whenever she visits in the future.

So what does all this have to do with now?  Recently as I've been persuing a spiritual awakening I realized that a huge hold up is my belief that I'm unlovable.  I thought I was over it after my first couple years of counseling but it's back again anew, and I can't seem to believe that God loves me.  Sure in general He loves everyone, and I'm somewhere included in that, but as an individual I just can't seem to grasp it.  I've read the scriptures, I know it all in theory, but when it comes down to it the most I can seem to manage is to hope it's really true.  To hope the being I worship as God could really love me the unlovable girl.