People's reactions to my weightloss

I've been using keto, intermittent fasting, and exercise to increase my health and fitness levels for about 5 months now.  Over that 5 months I've lost 30 pounds, the first 20 pounds being in the first 2 months and progressively slowing down from there.  I feel great.  I'm happier and more energetic than I've been in years. 

Now I've been getting a variety of reactions from people at my church.  My best friend who's thin herself (in a healthy way), tells me I look healthier every time she sees me.  Other people have told me that I look great or that I look like a teenager.  These are the more positive reactions I've gotten.  I've been gracious in accepting these compliments.

On the other side of things, there's the people who are worried about me.  This week someone asked me if I had a goal I was working toward to fit into my clothes from when I was a teenager and suggested they probably aren't in style any more.  I said I haven't kept them.  There was also in her comment the suggestion that I should stop losing weight.  The truth is my goal being health, I'm open to being whatever weight that means for me.  Weight loss is only a side focus at this point.  Some other people have asked my friend if I'm okay.  And people have had varying levels of concern in their voice when noticing to me that I've lost weight.  I know this is really a reflection of their mentality surounding weightloss and health.

Here's the thing I don't understand.  Why are they more concerned about me losing weight than they are about the obese woman coming each week with growing knee problems?  I'm almost to the bmi and waist measurements that are healthy for a woman my height.  I was just barely into the obese category on the charts before I started and I didn't feel good physically or emotionally.  Now I'm confident, happy and energetic, but people are more worried about me now, than they were when I was obese, sluggish, and depressed.  Why is that?  Really it feels backwards to me.  I love them, but wish they'd worry about the people who really should be worried about instead.  The ones who aren't progressing on their journey.

To the ones who've given up on their health journey, or their emotional well-being journey, or their spiritual journey, find your why.  Once you find the why that is powerful enough to move you to action, you can stick to it through years of failed attempts till you find what works for you, and finally see the results you were looking for.  My why is that I want to out live my parents, and I want to be the example of health that my kids will need if they're going to out live me.  I want to be strong enough to be in the presence of God.  I believe It takes a certain level of fitness for a body to withstand such an experience.  I want to live a life that will one day be a story worth telling.  I want to inspire others to better themselves in whatever way they need to, to become and do what God intended for their life.  I want to be physically capable of doing whatever work God needs me to do to build up His kingdom on Earth.  I wasn't building anything when I crashed for an involuntary nap every afternoon. 

What's your "Why"?  Now do the research to figure out the "How."  Experiment with yourself till you find what works and makes you feel good in your life.  Then, when God says, "hey could you ....?"  It won't matter what it is, because you'll be ready to go.

Adaptation

I was going to post a week by week writeup of my training, what I did and how it went but realized that would make for very dull reading.  So if you are interested in that sort of thing you can follow me on Strava.

Over the last two months I've gone from running and walking in alternating bursts and I finally have mastered the slow steady jog to be able to catch my breath while jogging and not have to stop running to walk.  But oddly enough the overall average speed hasn't changed that much.  I did a 5k race on May 5 in 40min.  And today I did a 10k race in 1hr 18min.  Both races averaged between 12 and 13 min/mile even though one was walking and running and the other was a continuous steady jog.

Starting next week I'll be starting a new training program focused purely on getting in as many miles per week as I can get.  I have yet to decide on a goal for the half marathon I'll be running in October, but I just need to see how well my body can adapt to a higher volume of running.  Today by the end of the race my calfs were tight and sore and just done working.  I want to finish my half marathon not just in a good time, but also feeling good.

Week 1 running

4 April 2019

I didn't get in my run in yesterday like I planned but this morning I did get out before the kids were up.  It was raining very gently when I started but let up quickly and made for a pleasant morning.  I'm afraid I did more walking than running or jogging.  I did get in about 3500 steps in half an hour which is a better rate than I do at home.  It was hard to tell for sure how well I was doing on the running stretches since in my house I can count laps between doors and I had no previous experience on the road to compare.

So doing some calculations I need about 8000 steps to go 5 km.  I do that walking in the house every day easy and often twice that, but running it in half an hour will be another matter entirely.  I'm not sure what the best goal would be for a new runner.

My left calf is sore and I guess it's because I ran on my toes too much and didn't always let my heal land.  I'll stretch and walk it off and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

5 April 2019

I woke up feeling good, so went out for another run.  This time I used a stopwatch to time exactly how long I was out.  I ran and walked a different trail and was out for 38 min and took 4900 steps.  My calves that hurt yesterday didn't hurt at all on this run.  This time I had a pain on the outside of my right upper leg (if the quad is the front and the hamstring is the back I don't even know what muscle this was.)  So I'll be youtubing what that's all about and what needs to be corrected in my form now.  The trail did have a few short slight inclines.  Maybe it's as simple as different muscles being used on the inclines and declines than I'm used to in my level house (and the state of Kansas for that matter).  By the end of it I had to walk to my car because that muscle would not let me run any more.  So something in my form needs to be fixed.  Walking around the house again it doesn't hurt any more.

Meanwhile my Xero Shoe sandals came in, and I made them last night.  I just need to trim some excess off the laces.  Tomorrow I rest and Sunday I'll try for a long run while my husband is responsible for our children.  I'll use my Xero Shoes for my next short run.  I don't think my first long run would be best for trying out a new product.  But I bet there'll be some summer days where I'll be glad to use them.

7 April 2019

Yesterday was my rest day and I had a meeting at my church about a change they are making to a more outreach oriented church.  After the meeting I was tired and exhausted and got to bed late.  I've wondered if God would want my running to be some kind of ministry. But it's a very introverted thing. I don't know how to meet other runners let alone talk to them.

So I slept in a bit and still went out for a long run, but about the second half of it I went pretty slow mostly walking and praying as I went.  I had a lot on my mind and just needed to process it all.  I was gone a bit over an hour but didn't use a stopwatch this time.  I went 9400 steps.  I had watched videos about running form and I think my posture has been good, but my arm motions have been sloppy.  I've been practicing good walking posture for years, but your arms don't get all that involved in casual house pacing.  So today I focused on keeping my arms going straight forward and not crossing in front of my body.  When I did this I noticed two things, my shoulders were forced into a more open position (If you hunch your shoulders you can't help but cross your arms in front of your body. I didn't think I was doing this but I must have been at least a little.), and I had more power in my run that seemed to come from no where at all.  So it looks like a 1 hour 5k is my current fitness level.  I don't know if I'm just not pushing myself hard enough because I like looking at the trees and birds and flowers and river, or if I really could do more if I had a running partner to help push me to go faster for longer stretches, or maybe my pacing is off and if I ran slower I could do it longer and so be faster overall.  I'll watch more pacing videos this week.

My physical health

I've been reluctant to post about this because I want this blog to be so much more than just a weight loss blog.  But it is my focus right now and I just made the goal of running a half marathon before my next birthday.  I've been doing a keto diet with intermittent fasting for the past 2 months and I've released 8.6 kg (18.9 lbs) of weight.  I've also been walking daily and the longer I've been doing it now and then my body has just wanted to run.  Most my walking is pacing our small house, but I also walk at the park when I take my kids out to play.

Emotionally I've felt more stable getting depressed less often and with less severity when I do.  It's the "I'm crying and don't fully know why.  I bet I start my period tomorrow." Rather than the, "the world is ending, I hate the government and I wish I could just cease to exist!" kind of thing.  So these changes are definitely part of my overall healing journey mentally, emotionally and physically all connected together.

Every morning I've been reading in my mirror, "I can do hard things." And "I am worthy of love."  I recently added, "I am healthy", and "I can do tough workouts."  And every day I listen to my body for what to eat and when and how hard to work out and for how long.  I almost always workout in the morning before I've eaten any food for the day.  Now and then (especially on the weekends) my kids demands for attention throw this off, but I always seem to have better workouts when they are in the morning and before food.  Even on a day that I only eat dinner the afternoon fasted workout is never as good as the morning one.  I have great energy levels throughout the day now and don't crash after lunch all the time any more.  I have more active play with my 4 year old.  Our favorite game being "tickle chase" where the tickle monster chases the other person and if you get caught and tickled, you become the new tickle monster.  I love the quality time I can have with my children that I never used to have the energy for.

So today I plan on taking my son to the park and while he plays I'll do my first day of training running with a goal in mind of building my endurance time and building it up over the course of the spring and summer.  Then October 13th I'll run the Prairie Fire Fall half marathon.   I'll try to update my progress here weekly to keep me on track. 

I never thought I would want to run.  It's never something I've enjoyed before, but lately some things have inspired me and we'll see how long this interest lasts or if it'll be another 6 month fluke like my sourdough interest was. 

I'll be running in my Merrill Vapor glove barefoot shoes. I made the switch to barefoot shoes about a couple years ago though I just tried to do a lot of walking.  I've yet to do a lot of running barefoot or otherwise unless you look way back to my play as a child and teenager.  Last summer I searched and couldn't find in stores a pair of women's sandals that fit my feet right.  I ventured over to the men's and found some but they were stiff and the straps hurt my feet when I walked too much.  So this year I ordered some Xero Shoe DIY sandals.  I'll post about them when they arrive.  So watching videos about how to tie these sandals has led to videos about running in them and barefoot shoes, and that led to videos about distance running and before I knew it I wanted to run the Leadville 100, but that's a crazy place to start so I'll do a 5 K and a half marathon and see if I'm still interested in Leadville after that.

Romans

This morning I finished reading Romans.  And my take away message from the book as a whole is rather simple. 

First is that we as believers shouldn't judge one another or give each other cause to stumble.  Ultimately we all will answer to God for our deeds and whatever our own conscience tells us, that is what we should follow. (Romans 14) If I feel the need to learn the Biblical feast days as a means to get to know Yeshua more, I shouldn't judge those who don't feel this is necessary. And consequently those who don't feel it necessary shouldn't judge the way I've felt this need to learn and understand them through observing them.  In my observance of these Holy days I should be careful that all the rules of the law of Moses don't distract me from the real source of salvation in Yeshua. Following excessive rules can be a stumbling block that diverts our eyes from our Messiah and makes us think we save ourselves by our works.  Ultimately the laws and commandments of God are summed up in the ones to love God and to love our neighbor, and if we are living in judgment of one another we aren't living in love of one another. 

All of us have sinned and fall short of perfection.  All of us have need of a Savior to overcome our sinful natures.  This nature isn't overcome by our own sheer will power.  I personally have never accomplished anything through will power.  Everything I accomplish is done through love and hope in Christ.  When I lack in love or hope for something better I can do nothing of worth or maintain a habit long term.  It is Yeshua who along with paying for our sins gives us the power to overcome them and become better people.  Therefore we have nothing to boast of ourselves.

Feeding myself

For the past two years I've been part of a Messianic Jewish community.  I've learned the Biblical feast days and how they point us to Yeshua (Jesus).  And I've learned a lot about the first five books of the Bible.  These were parts of the Gospel that my origional Earthly church overlooked a great deal and I feel I've grown and learned more about my God than I knew before.  After my second Passover, I began to be dissatisfied with this level of knowledge.  I wanted to dive into the other books of scripture too. 

The Rabbis have a schedule for studying the Torah each year and there will be a "Torah portion" assigned for the congregation to study each Sabbath.  There will also be a small portion from the prophets and writings, but so as not to lead people to Yeshua it goes out of order and relates to a topic in the Torah portion so that people won't notice the careful exclusion of everything in the writings and prophets that is rather obviously about Yeshua.  These carefully excluded parts are exactly what my soul has become hungry for over the course of these two years.

Every time I talk to someone from my congregation about this problem they ask, "Well, how's your home study going?"  I'm always distraught in response because when they're awake my kids or their messes seem to demand all my attention and when they're asleep it wasn't my first go to activity to read my scriptures.  I would say something like that I can't just learn all alone that I need people to discuss with.  Ultimately this comes down to motivation.  When I know I'm going to get to share what I learn with someone else I'm more motivated to study.  My learning style is teaching.

I talked to my sister about this dilema, and unlike people of my congregation who all suggested talking to my Rabbi, my sister just flat out rejected the lie Satan's been feeding me that I can't learn this stuff on my own.  She reminded me of times when I just dived into things I wanted to learn and came back with rewarding results and a depth of knowledge on a topic.

Since then I read John in about a week and Acts in three days. I'm going to try to read a book at a time through the New Testament. And I think I'll start a series here discussing my findings on the book as a whole, pulling out what stood out to me right now as I go through.  They won't necessarily be in order but whatever I feel the need to study next will be next.  How do you like to study?  What helps motivate you?  What helps you make time for it?

Routine Signs of Love

This blog being about my whole healing journey I thought this an appropriate thing to share here.

I've been married now for 10 years to a man who among other things has OCD, and every night there is this routine of saying "Goodnight, I love you, see you tomorrow."  Always in that order.  Always together.  If we said it at one point then had more pillow talk then either of us said "good night" again the rest of this scripted conversation had to follow.  There were two options for this.  One with alternating speakers:
"Good night"
"Good night"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"See you tomorrow."
"Okay."
Or he could say all three phrases together in a row and I had to reply with all three phrases in a row:
"Good night. I love you. See you tomorrow."
"Good night.  I love you.  See you tomorrow."
Only recently my husband allowed me the new answer "Okay. Good night. I love you too."  This was actually a huge thing for him allowing me a new answer that felt more natural to me.

This routine was actually very stressful for me.  If I absent mindedly varied from the script we had to start over. Sometimes I'd say "yeah" instead of "okay" and he would be upset by it and we'd start over.  Over time when I'd make this mistake if I corrected it right away he'd let it slide.  A few times in our early marriage I switched it up on purpose, "...see you tomorrow." replied with, "yeah, you will." or some other affirmitive answer outside the script.  This bugged him the most.

Growing up most affection was routine.  Very little was spontaneous.  It was hard for me to tell how sincere these routine affections were:  whether they really meant I was loved or whether they were just done because it is what you do at bed time (or whenever it was routinely occuring) but didn't actually mean anything.  This question of whether routine affection is actually sincere is why I had such a problem with my husband's scripted bed time "good night, I love you, see you tomorrow."  Realizing this for the first time tonight felt like a huge break through for me.  As well as the love languages there's also the question of whether you prefer spontaneous affection or routine affection.  My husband prefers the routines and once I obliged he has been satisfied in our marriage ever since.  I prefer the spontaneous and it doesn't come naturally to him and is harder to remember and make that effort.

Routines can be a way of making sure something happens at all.  I haven't had these bedtime affection routines with my kids because I'd rather show affection spontaneously throughout the day.  But in this busy world you don't always get to do that.  And my daughter is very much routine oriented and affectionate on her own terms kind of girl and between school and her brothers sucking my energy I don't know how much I've shown her I love her.  But just like saying the Shamah every week doesn't make one guilty of using vain repitions using routine affections doesn't make that affection any less sincere.  All this time I've thought myself unlovabe because affection from others hasn't come in the spontaneous ways I prefer.  If I assume all affection to be sincere I've really been loved all along.